LOST.IN.AURORA

all there is is love

2011-03-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

I guess you got my letter
Of words spinning round my head
I thought it'd make me feel better
I should've kept it for myself instead
And now you wanna say you're sorry
And that you swear you couldn't live without me
And now I'm running through the reasons why we shouldn't just
Let it all slip away

It's too late for the giving up and
Too much is never enough when
All there is, is love, love, love
It's too soon for the letting go and
We can't loose everything that we know when
All there is, is love, love, love
Love, love, love

You never stopped to think about me
You only listened to the voices in your head
I tried to tell you all the reasons why we shouldn't
But you didn't hear a word I said

It's too late for the giving up and
Too much is never enough when
All there is, is love, love, love
It's too soon for the letting go and
We can't loose everything that we know when
All there is, is love, love, love

Cause all that I can see
Is you were meant for me
And we've gotta be strong to realize

That all there is, is love
Yes all there is, is love

It's too soon for the letting go and
We can't loose everything that we know when
All there is, is love, love
All there is, is love
And it's, too late for the giving up
When all there is, is love
Love, love, love

Shag Tobacco

2011-03-21T19:53:00.001-07:00

This album is driving along the river on a rainy summer night,
cityscape shining in the windows - Chicago - New York - Toronto -
London - Paris... Slow dancing on a rooftop while the city burns
below. It's holding your lover in a passionate kiss as the world spins
out of control. This is the soundtrack for lovers in a dangerous time.
Put on that dress, you know your "throw yourself out the window"
dress. I'll wear my suit, my wedding ring...

-- a review of Gavin Friday's "Shag Tobacco" record. Epic.

Lately

2011-03-11T23:09:00.001-08:00

today is such a wonderful, and equally beautiful day here in
afghanistan. i am just happy. i have great people in my life and a
great support system back home in the states. i cant wait to get back
and ride my bike all over east tennessee and just feel the wind
against my lips as i drag my knees through the turns on those
lonesome, curvy roads. i will have my boy Pete with me when i come
home and we are going to have such a great time! im also looking
forward to getting my tacoma and having that brand new truck to call
my own. but most of all, i cant wait to drive with the windows down,
with my music rocking from the speakers in my truck and just LIVE back
home. then hop of the CBR and fly down the open roads with my iPod
locked in tight with a flawless playlist... there is just something
about riding my CBR with my iPod shuffle rocking that just makes me
feel like a king. its my absolute favorite thing to do on earth. i
have to remind myself to respect the bike and know she can take me to
my death if im not careful. such a gamble is an adrenaline rush like
no other. and i cant wait to get up to tellico and just be in my
favorite place on earth. there is something about riding up and down
the river and just being there at the tucker cabin that is the
greatest feeling in life. ahhhhh.i cant wait to taste the sweet
tennessee air from the cockpit of my CBR. life is good.

Razorblade Kiss

2011-02-23T03:17:00.001-08:00

Your love is a razorblade kiss... the taste from your lips... RAZORBLADE KISS.

SPEC OPS

2011-02-22T03:19:00.001-08:00

http://specopsbrand.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductID=92

--
Clark Tucker
1LT, Ordnance

"The man that hath no music in himself, Nor is not moved with concord
of sweet sounds, is fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils." -William
Shakespeare

Si vis pacem, para bellum.

tell it to my heart

2011-02-21T04:10:00.001-08:00

tell it to my heart, tell me i'm the only one. is this really love or
just a game? -taylor dane

tell it to my heart

2011-02-20T19:44:00.000-08:00

I feel the night explode when we're together.
Emotion overload in the heat of pleasure.
Take me I'm yours into your arms.
Never let me go.
Tonight I really need to know.
Tell it to my heart
Tell me I'm the only one.
Is this really love or just a game?
Tell it to my heart.
I can feel my body rock every time you call my name.
The passion's so complete. It's neverending.
As long as I receive, the message you're sending.
Body to body, soul to soul
Always feel you near.
So say the words I long to hear.
Tell it to my heart.
Tell me I'm the only one.
Is this really love or just a game?
Tell it to my heart.
I can feel my body rock every time you call my name.
Love, love on the run, breaking us down,
Though we keep holding on.
I don't want to lose, no I can't let you go.
Tell it to my heart.
Tell me I'm the only one.
Is this really love or just a game?
Tell it to my heart.
I can feel my body rock every time you call my name.
Tell it to my heart. Tell me from the start. Tell it to my heart.
Tell it to my heart. Tell me from the start. Tell it to my heart.
Never make it stop. Oh, take it to the heart.
Tell it to my heart...

Jaded

2011-02-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

And I’m gonna be jaded I’m gonna be sad
It’s gonna be hard to walk away from all those things
I’m gonna be jaded I’m gonna be sad
And if I have to leave it I hope I feel no shame

And I’m gonna be helpless I’m gonna be low
As I go and say goodbye to the life that I have known
And I’m gonna be helpless I’m gonna be low
And just for a moment I’ll have to pass you by

And I’m gonna be helpless I’m gonna be low
It’s gonna be hard to walk away from all those things
I’m gonna be jaded I’m gonna be sad
And if I have to leave it I hope I feel no shame

I hope I’m never too jaded too much going on
And there are to many people touched by time gone by
I Never want to be jaded I Never want to be beat
And I’m sure its going work itself out
Just in time to save my peace

speed kills

2011-02-15T02:12:00.001-08:00

Speed kills
But beauty lives forever
Speed thrills
But beauty knows your name
I Fell ill inside eternal winter
And Stood still beside eternal flame
Because when I ride
With you tonight
We can move
At the speed of light
And all I ask and all I pray
Last rose of summer will stay
Last rose of summer will stay
First time that I ever saw you
Crashing hard through days of pain
You were one of god's children
Left to cry out in the rain
Waiting to be saved again
When I ride
With you tonight
We can move
At the speed of light
And all I ask and all I pray
Last rose of summer
Last rose of summer
Last rose of summer is gone
Long gone
Gone
Last rose of summer is gone
Cause when I ride
With you tonight
We can move
At the speed of light
Forever young
Forever blind
Into the stars
We rock tonight
The last rose of summer
The last rose of summer
The last rose of summer is gone

Suicide Is Painless

2011-02-11T22:29:00.001-08:00

so as im surfing the net here at the office, amidst shooting out
emails, i stumbled across an old soundtrack i used to have; blair
witch 2: the book of shadows. i was looking through the tracklist and
saw a manson song that i vaguely remember, a cover of suicide is
painless. the song is very dark and fits the mood of the film
flawlessly. the interesting thing is, its not an actual manson song,
it was written and done in 1970! thinking of THAT, the music, and
manson singing it - and it fits perfectly to the flick.

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
So this is all I have to say,

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger... Watch it grin...

And suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
Is it to be or not to be
And I replied, "Oh why ask me?"

And suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.

...And you can do the same thing if you please.

#27. my birthday

2011-02-09T03:12:00.001-08:00

i remember exactly where i was on my birthday exactly a year ago.

sitting alone and away from everyone i was close to, in a nice hotel
room in prince george, virginia; attending BOLC 3 at fort lee. the
superbowl is always on my birthday and thats always kinda cool but i
remember distinctively, just wanting to be back in johnson city,
tennessee and NOT where i was. now, a year later, i sit here along the
mountains of afghanistan/pakistan; serving my country at the front end
of my year long deployment. at the close of this year, i will have
spent 361 days in this country and the next 4 or more days of 2012, in
this God-forsaken country, doing what we do. which, sometimes,
consisting of sitting around, doing nothing, and just making sure
things get done. lately, i have been having problems with my NCOs and
its about to be rectified when i counsel them and set the record
straight on what is and what is not going to be allowed within this
unit. i have it pretty good here, and it could be alot worse.

my birthday. its always special for me, as it should be. i tend to
spend the day sitting around and always trying to make the day last as
long as i can, and enjoying everything about it. even here in
afghanistan, i have found a few beautiful things. well, at least ONE
beautiful thing: the hindu kush mountains that surround me. they have
snow on them all the time and are just breath-taking. i would like to
take one of these armored blackhawks with machine guns on them and
have them take me way up in the mountains where no one really lives
and let me snowboard all the way to the bottom and then pick me up and
take me back to the top. i could do that all day long and never get
tired of it!

i turned 27 years old. its weird, i never take time to consider my
actual age, until the day become a year older. for instance, i never
really thought about being 26 until i turned 27. and so on. 26 was a
good year, for the most part. i had to deal with the ending of a
terrible, unhealthy relationship. but the good that came out of it was
this: i finally realized it was the wrong thing and jennifer was so
wrong for me. all my friends told me this and i just ignored them bc i
cared about her. alas, the best part of the year was that i made a
pact with God to really get over this girl and put her and everything
regarding her in my past and truly move on before i dated anyone.
moreover, i wasnt going to date anyone until i felt that God had
brought me a girl He wanted me to be with. as God does often times, he
brings us blessings at the most inopertune times. i met the love of my
life, Dina, a mere few months before i was going to war. God never
gives us anything He knows we cant handle. Dina and i have grown and
have a wonderful, loving relationship. the best part of the year then
is getting over and learning to be by myself, and being happy with me,
and thennnnnnn meeting my precious Dina. i thank the Lord for her
everyday and i hope, if its God's will, that she and i get married
someday and raise a wonderful Christian family.

my 27th was great bc i got to talk to Dina for hours and also got to
talk to my family. even though i spent my day here in afghanistan, it
still was a blessing and i know the next one will NOT be spent here in
ths terrible country. also, all my friends on facebook sent me happy
birthday comments and thanked me for my service, which always makes me
feel great. january went by fast and here is to thinking and hoping
that february follows suite. where its going to suck is around
april/may. i go home for 15 days in july, at the beginning of the
month, im hoping and that is all that i am living for at this point.
cant wait to hold Dina and see my father and the rest of my family and
all my friends.

i just try and think about the future and think about how long a year
really is and what all transpires in that time period. its going to be
crazy when i am showing the new guys relieving us how we did our jobs
here, come December 2011. i cannot wait for those days. im sure when i
go home i will feel kinda odd and out of place at first, but i am sure
i will morp back into my swag sooner than later. on the good side, i
will have a brand new toyota tacoma. i hope Dina stays in the USA with
me and is there for me when i come home in January 2012. if she does,
its going to be so great. in this case, i am planning on buying us
tickets to Ukraine and going there for my entire leave (30 days) and
just getting to meet her family and just being happy seeing my girl be
happy and spending time with her family, which is long overdue. i pray
everyday that THIS is the outcome of that entire situation. we will
see. im still trying to figure out what i want to do career-wise in
the army for the remainder of my time in, until 2015. when that time
rolls around, i am going to get a job in some capacity with the
federal government and maintain my great healthcare and have a job
that pays far more than i will make in the army, even as an officer.
id love to get a job in federal law enforcement. its been a dream of
mine forever and i just think that i would love it so much. i hope i
can do this. i might actually try to get a job with the kentucky state
police. that is one of the state law enforcement agencies i would love
to work for. i spend 5.5 years in college getting a masters and
bachelors degree in this field so i want to DO it. its just gonna be
hard leaving the army as a captain and taking a pay cut to be a state
trooper. oh well. if i have that option and i can afford it, i will do
it! ill be debt free and if i love my job, thats all that matters.

as for music/entertainment/movies/etc lately, i've been on an
aiden/william control/throwing gravity/r&b-of-all-sorts binge. i've
actually been talking to wiL from wc and aiden and he is very
supportive of the miitary, something i never. im trying to get with
the MWR folks here and get his band to come here and play, to which is
said he'd love to do ANYTIME. how cool would that be!? got a few
orders placed on amazon.com and i have received one of which turned
out to be the otterbox defender case for the iTouch 4G. i have the
same case for my iPhone 4 and i dont carry my apple gadgets in
ANYTHING other than otterbox and pelican cases when im rolling out.
they are the best. bar none. i have copies of william control's
records coming, a copy of knives by aiden coming, and a few other
favorites of mine. as far as movies, i have purchased 3 great horror
flicks from the px here. (the army PX's always have the best horror
films for sale - i dont know why) i picked up SAW 3D: the final
chapter, the last exorcism (which is really a scary film for me, but
great!), and a flick i'd never heard of called 'chain letter,' that
boasts great/intense gore, and scenes of strong, bloody, sadistic
violence. hmmm. should be interesting. the last film i got with this
nomenclature was the collector; which i loved. perhaps this one will
be great too. i still havent had time to watch any of them bc im
always busy or talking to Dina or my folks :) which is way better than
watching horror movies anyways. i think i am going to buy a few books
as well off amazon. i am having chief evans order my some huge pelican
cases for my guntrucks. i cant wait til they get in. im gonna use one
and throw absolutely everything i have here in it. i know it'll all be
safe. these cases are the best on the planet. i also got a pelican
toughbox from the supply corporal we have in our unit that is a
hardigg 0500 truck case which is made by pelican. ill be using it in
my tacoma when i redeploy and want to go anywhere. ill keep everything
in these tough boxes. ive learned via this deployment, all a man needs
is a toughbox. i can live out of these things. and they're
indestructible. so lots of neat gadgets coming my way, even here in
afghanistan. and when i get home, ill be getting the new iPhone 4G or
whatever it'll be called, at that time, and oh yea, i'll be with
verizon again bc the iPhone4 is now availble on verizon. tons of neat
stuff.

"turn the world off, turn my self on, turn up the radio. turn up the
radio...." -die trying

--
Clark Tucker
1LT, Ordnance

"The man that hath no music in himself, Nor is not moved with concord
of sweet sounds, is fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils." -William
Shakespeare

some of the things...

2011-02-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

that i am looking forward to getting when i get back to America are:

a tan, 2011 toyota 4X4 4door tacoma, full coverage on both it and my cbr1000rr (could be expensive), "lost-in-aurora" tattoo, new iPhone 4G with verizon, high speed internet, hopefully a basic training command @ fort knox, a new glock 19, electronic drum kit, and most of all - i hope that Dina stays in the United States. if i can get one of these things, it'd be to have her stay.

some interesting things my soldiers asked me this afternoon in afghanistan

2011-02-03T03:15:00.001-08:00

so, im sitting in my office, typing emails and working and one of my
soldiers asks me over the wall:

"hey sir, why is there an interstate in Hawaii?"

i said i do not know, granted there is no other state bordering the
lone state in the center of the Pacific Ocean.

then the funny question came...

"OK sir, then one more question... why is it called A bra and a PAIR
of panties?"

i just LOL'ed and shook my head.

i love my soldiers. this is just another day in Afghanistan.

2011-02-02T23:42:00.001-08:00

i absolutely hate it when someone from your past that you are done
with and so disgusted about dating inadvertantly erects their lifeless
presence back into your life. not to mention, in the midst of
attempting to fight a war. literally. my X gf decides to send me a
message last night, doing what she always did. attempting to assert
the fact that she is still alive and in some feigned attempt of me
somehow, never forgetting her. she says just want you to know that im
praying for you. but the truth is this... she isnt praying for me. she
is lying. shes just using that as a means and feigned attempted to
speak to me. i have no desire for someone who did me the way she did
to pray for me, talk to me, contact my family, etc. i want absolutely
nothing to do with this person as long as i walk this earth. im
ashamed i spent 2 years of my life trying to be the guy i always have
been, loving, caring, and honest; going out of my way to do nice
things for her, and she lied to me, cheated on me while i was serving
my country, and then ended up with a guy she told me so many times was
just her friend, so i let them be friends, bc i trusted her. she is
filth and trash. if you ever think of something and just get sick to
your stomach, well thats the feeling i got last night when i heard
from her for the first time in forever.

i say all this to say this: it really is obvious in hindsight, how
terrible of a relationship we had. it wasnt a relationship. she was
constantly thinking i was doing dirt, when in fact, after the cards
fell as they would, showed she was the one doing the dirt the entire
time. a complete bastion of insecurity and emotional, and spiritual
chaos. its so refreshing to meet someone new after a year or so who
you just click with and things just work. the person that appreciates
you, appreciates the lovely things you do for them, and cherishes
every moment yall spend together. i have met this girl and her name is
Dina and i am so resolved to know that the Lord has brought her into
my life, to lead me closer to Him. thats how i know Dina is the one
for me and how lucky i am to have her: she draws me closer to God.
that is what true loves and friends do... God gives us companions that
can be used as His instruments to bring us closer to Him. Dina is
hand-down the sweetest and kindest girl i have ever known. she is
brave, smart, sweet, and unbelievably sexy. and the most amazing thing
is, though she is the most amazing girl i have ever met on this earth
in my near 27 years alive, i would never do anything with or to her to
violate what God has blessed me with. though temptation exists, we
trust in God and stay in His will and we do this bc we know he will
bless us and continue to keep us together.

its crazy how the small re-surfacing of an X can make you see how
miserable you used to be and how blessed God allows you to be when you
are in His will with someone He has for you. i saw that last night as
i was checking email. im thankful for it and so thankful for my
beautiful Dina.

Psalm 133

2011-02-02T10:10:00.001-08:00

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together
in unity! It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran
down upon the beard,
even Aaron's beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments; as
the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of
Zion: for there the LORD commanded the blessing, even life for
evermore.

Thorns

2011-02-01T10:45:00.001-08:00

I get dressed up in my winter clothes, and step outside to look at the
roses, but they're all covered in the morning snow.... just open your
heart, and the world will carry you home tonight. i get dressed up in
my summer clothes, and step outside to look at the roses but they're
all covered in the sharpest thorns. just open your eyes and the world
will follow you home tonight...

treasons, stratagems, and spoils

2011-01-31T22:52:00.001-08:00

"The man that hath no music in himself, Nor is not moved with concord
of sweet sounds, is fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils." -William
Shakespeare

--
1LT Clark Tucker
Ordnance, US Army

"The man that hath no music in himself, Nor is not moved with concord
of sweet sounds, is fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils." -William
Shakespeare

idea for ring....

2011-01-25T05:20:00.000-08:00

so as i was listening to 1 of my all time favorite songs, Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, a lyric that i have spoken, sung, and known for years just hit me like a falling star straight out of the milky way.

"you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be..."

i have pondered the meaning of this line numerous times, however, i have finally figured out where John Rzeznik was coming from. He is saying that the person he loves is the closest to Heaven he can ever be on this Earth. such a lovely thought and unmatched vow of love.

I have decided, I am going to have this line engraved on the wedding band I give my wife, on the inside of the ring. I am the biggest music fan in the world, and this is just something i think is cool. the Goo Goo Dolls have been my favorite band of all time since i got into music and this ode to John and the dolls is just epic.

I rule.

Good evening, from Khowst, Afghanistan

2011-01-23T08:11:00.000-08:00

Hello world. I received an email tonight from one of mine and Dina's favorite singers; Mark Kano. i have been listening to mark and his band, athenaeum since the 8th grade and i will never forget when "radiance" dropped before the turn of the century, in 1999. i will never forget playing air guitar and drums, riding around everywhere with a new driver's license, listening to this record. they never made it big but i followed them religiously. i have everything mark kano and athenaeum ever did. the word athenaeum just always was so pleasurable to utter. what a great band name. inarguably, the best modern rock band from the 90's from the south. these guys hail from greensboro, north carolina and unfortunately, i never got the chance to see them live. mark is doing his solo thing now and its amazing. its not ath, but its great. in many ways, athenaeum is THE perfect college rock band. since landing in afghanistan, i've been listening to mark and athenaeum alot for some reason. maybe its the nostalgia the band brings me. maybe its how great music stays in my heart and mind for all time. after all, great music is truly timeless. its takes us on a journey through life, the good and bad, and always makes us feel one way or another. regardless, it makes you "feel."

Ever since Dina and I started dating last year, i have been happier than i ever have in my life. its so funny. when you find the person that honestly is the person that makes you forget about your past and purges you of any and all thought of former loves, its just a feeling you can't describe, only feel. since meeting her, i have shared so much music with her its sickening. all types, too. the greatest part is, there is not a single song that brings an ode to former times. they all remind me of her. mark kano's new stuff is a perfect example. his new solo stuff is mind-blowing and there is one song called "telling you i love you," that is beyond words. check it out.. when Dina came to Kentucky back at the end of 2010, we were doing what she and I do best and what we both love, laying on the couch, talking and just getting lost in the presence of a person you can't seem to picture yourself never knowing, and of course, i had music playing. as you might have guessed, i had been sending her music for months prior to her coming to KY and as we were laying there, iTunes decided to play "telling you i love you" and i will never forget her interrupting me in her precious accent and saying, "this is my favorite song, clark." we began to talk, and collectively decided that this song would forever be our song.

so, when mark sent me an email asking me what i had in mind about playing at a wedding, i had to inform him that first of all, we weren't engaged and that i was honored to hear from him. i told him that if we get married, we want him to play "telling you i love you" at the reception, for sure. i was browsing through his pictures on facebook and saw a picture of his family. i clicked on his wife's page and, come to find out, she is a photographer. i sent her a message and said that if mark comes to play, we will go ahead and hire her to do the pictures. what a perfect setup!

Dina is at church and Im just relaxing on this lovely Sunday evening here in Afghanistan, listening to athenaeum. time to brush my teeth, sync the iPod, and lie down.

"bad internets"

2011-01-22T20:41:00.001-08:00

i have videos on my camera, but the internet here is so terrible, i'm afraid i cannot upload them.

the last exorcism

2011-01-22T10:11:00.001-08:00

this movie really is creepy. i went to see it with Jenny back in the day when it came out. ironically, it was the LAST movie we ever saw or will ever see together again. haha. alas, i bought it the other day here at the PX on FOB Salerno, Afghanistan, for $20. kinda cool, huh? i watched the special features and they scared me to death. watching this again, this film really is well done and what it aims for, it hits dead on. daniel stamm does an impeccable job all the way around and the cast is perfectly picked. it wouldnt be the same without eli roth, the gorehound who brought us the hostel series, some of my favorite horror films of all time. roth took a gamble with joining in on this one bc it was pg-13 and is virtually bloodless. its more of a psychological thriller which thrills. if you believe in demons and are a christian, this will really hit home. for me, it shows that the only way to exorcise a demon is through the name and prayer to Jesus Christ. without Him, it is impossible to cure someone from demon possession. again, this really is a film that just makes you think. glad i picked it up here in afghanistan at the px. oh yea, watching this IN afghanistan, at war, makes it even scarier for some reason.

its bleak.....

2011-01-22T05:09:00.000-08:00

it feels like im stuck in a rut. i do the same things everyday here in afghanistan. and the truth is, there isnt anything really to do. unless we are going outside the wire and running missions, during which time its very dangerous and serious, we arent doing anything but sitting around, aimlessly wondering and pondering why we are here. the people hate us. they are so far removed from any cognitive idea of how freedom or fairness works in life. the entire government is corrupt and police are gangsters. its bleak.

MIssing her

2011-01-21T19:42:00.001-08:00

getting ready to start another day and i just miss Dina. Got up kinda late today because i was up late talking to her so it's all good. I really hope that she is the one. I love everything about her. She is the woman spiritually, i want to be with and grow in Christ with. Everything before now is forgotten and it's like she has purged me from all things and people from my past. I thought I'd never meet someone who would do this to and for me. I am truly thankful to the Lord for my precious Dina and the way she supports & loves me. I long to hold her again when I come home for leave. My family and Dina.... It's gonna be the best 2 weeks ever! Oh and it will be summer, which means SPORT BIKE rides all over east Tennessee!!!!!!!

Doppelherz

2011-01-21T19:40:00.000-08:00

My pilot light has flickered out
You've knocked me off the hook
The person you are trying to reach is no longer here
I'm not really tall, dark and handsome
I just look that way
I'm a canvas that bleeds
And I'm painted with fingers
Childish pictures
Of you that still linger
Bury you're wasted into the moon
Hoping that it sinks to the earth soon
Bury you're wasted into the moon
I hope that it sinks into the earth soon

My pilot light has flickered out
You've knocked me off the hook
The person you are trying to reach is no longer here
I'm a canvas that bleeds
And I'm painted with fingers
Childish pictures of you that still linger
I am a VCR
A funeral of dead memory waste
I'm a VCR
A funeral of dead memory waste
You can see it on my face
I'm a VCR funeral
Of dead memory waste
You can see it on my face
My smile is a chain link fence
I dare not frown
For fear of what comes out
My smile is a chain link fence
And I dare not frown for fear of what comes out

Sing a song kitty
Sing it
Sing it kitty
Sing it
Some people don't think that Lily
Is smart enough to understand what I'm thinking
But I know if she could she would kill
Everybody that I hate, 'cause she loves me
'Cause I took care of her since she was a little baby

I am a VCR funeral of dead memory waste
You can see it in my face
As drink crawls down the esophagus staircase
Into my bowels of hell
Naked like clown faces all smeared clean
Naked like clown faces all smeared clean in the spotlight
Naked like clown faces all smeared clean in the spotlight

I'm a VCR funeral of dead memory waste you can see it on my face
Dead memory waste

Kill me, kill everyone, you can let them all die
The only thing in this world that does not die is money
You can kill me, you can kill them, you can let everyone die
The only thing in this world that does not die is money
You can kill me, you can kill them, you can let everyone die
The only thing immortal in this world is money
You can kill me, you can kill them, you can let everything die
The only thing immortal in this world is money
The only thing immoral in this world is money
The only thing oral in this world is money
The only thing in this is money
The only thing is ney
The
Ney
The
The only thing immortal in this world is money
The person you are trying to reach is no longer here
You have knocked me off the hook
The person you are trying to reach is no longer here
You have knocked me off the hook

You are afraid that you are no equal
While you are spending my money
You are afraid you are no equal while you are spending my money
You can kill me, you can kill them, you can let everyone die
The only thing immortal in this world is money
Why would I want to be equal with anyone?
You think you're not equal while you're spending my money
Why would I want to be equal with anyone?
Why would I want to be equal with anyone?
To be equal you have to add or subtract
And I have never liked math
To be equal you have to add or subtract
And I have never liked math
You are recognizable, as just another part in a vast machine
You are recognizable, as just another part in a vast machine
The only thing immortal in this world is money
The only thing original in this world is the way we destroy things
Everything has already been created
So we can only deal with new ways of destroying them
Everything has already been created
So we can only think of new ways of destroying them
Stop rehearsing alcohol and start performing narcotics
Stop rehearsing alcohol and start performing narcotics
Stop rehearsing alcohol and start performing narcotics
Do you think that animals believe in God?
Do you think that animals believe in God?
Do you think that animals believe in God?
To be equal you must add or subtract
People who want to be equal have lives that are filled with subtractions and auditions
To be equal you must add or subtract
People who want to be equal's lives' are filled with subtractions and auditions

We will call you back and tell you
Don't call us, we'll call you
Don't call us, we'll call you
Do animals believe in God?
Do animals believe in God?
Do animals believe in God?
Do animals believe in God?

Stop rehearsing alcohol and start performing narcotics
This is a Caucasian occasion
This is a Caucasian occasion
Could someone please autograph the frontal lobe?
Could someone please autograph the frontal lobe?
The insurance will not cover this
Could someone please autograph the frontal lobe?
The insurance will not cover this
Can someone please autograph the frontal lobe, the insurance will not cover this

And the young are too senile
The young are too senile
The young are too senile
The young are too senile
The young are too senile
The young are too senile
The young are too senile
The young are too senile
The young are too senile
The young sieg heil
The young sieg heil
Young are too senile
The young sieg heil

Do animals believe in god?
Do animals believe in god?
Do animals believe in god?
I'm a kickstand in your mouth
I am a kickstand in your mouth
I am a kickstand in your mouth
I am a kickstand in your mouth
The insurance won't cover this
The insurance won't cover this

You can run as fast as you want
But you can never outrun the cliché
You can run as fast as you want
But you can never outrun the cliché
You can run as fast as you want
But you can never outrun the cliché
The young are senile the young are senile
Have I outgrown my spotlight?
Have I outgrown my spotlight?
Have I outgrown my spotlight?
My pupils are not students, they dilate but they never learn
My pupils are not students, they dilate but they never learn
My pupils are not students, they dilate but they never learn
My pupils are not students, they dilate but they never learn
Each time we roll up the dollar bill, we suffocate the president
Each time we roll up a dollar bill, we suffocate the president
Each time we roll up the dollar bill, we are suffocating the president
Each time we roll up the dollar bill, we suffocate the president

Just say now
Would you suck America's tits?
I want you to just say now, would you suck America's tits?
I want you to just say now, would you suck America's tits?
I want you to just say now, would you suck America's tits?
I want downloadable suicide
I want downloadable suicide
I want downloadable suicide
I want downloadable suicide
I want downloadable suicide
I want everything when I want it and I want it now
I want everything when I want it and I want it now
I want everything before I want it and I already wanted it so I don't want it anymore
I want everything when I want it and I want it now
I want everything before I want it so I don't want it anymore
I want downloadable suicide
I want a newer version
I want downloadable suicide
I want a newer version
I want downloadable suicide
Version I don't know
Version I don't point know
Version I don't point no
Version I point the gun at me
Oh
Oh
Version I don't know
Version I point the gun at me point Oh oh oh oh oh
I want downloadable suicide

If I sneeze will anyone bless me?
If I sneeze will anyone bless me?
If I sneeze will anyone bless me?
Stop rehearsing alcohol and start performing narcotics
I keep watering a dead flower
Keep watering a dead flower
Keep watering the dead flower
Keep watering a dead flower
Keep watering a dead flower
Keep watering a dead flower
Keep watering a dead flower
Keep watering a dead flower
Everything I make is a piece of plant
And some day it could have been a flower
And the things that are flowers are dead
Till I keep watering a dead flower
Keep watering a dead flower
There's not enough of me to make a bouquet
There's not enough of me to make a bouquet
Stop watering the dead flower
Stop watering a dead flower
Stop watering a dead flower

I have no balance
I am like snow
And I melt away
I have no balance and I am like snow and I melt away
I have to balance
I am like snow
And I melt away

As you are listening
I want you to know
That you are nothing
But a screen that I will project
My images of sorrow, pain and sex upon
Although there is no difference between the three
As you are listening
I want you to know
That you are nothing
But a screen that I will project
My images of sorrow, pain and sex upon
Although there is no difference between the three
As you are listening I want you to know that you are only a screen
That I project my images of sorrow, pain and suffering and sex upon
Although there is no difference between the three and the one
As you are listening I want you to know that you are nothing but a screen
That I project my images of suffering, sorrow, pain, sex
And the brief glimmer of happiness I find in the misery
Of those who are sitting in the theatre of which this screen exists
I want you to know as you are listening
That you are nothing but a screen
That I project my images of sorrow, pain, suffering, sex
And the brief glimpse of happiness I get from the misery
Of those who sit in the theatre that this screen exists will feel while they listen
The brief glimpse of happiness that I feel as
Those who sit in the theatre that this screen exists will feel as they listen

This isn't about music
This is about the difference between you and me
This isn't about music
This is about the difference between you and me
This isn't about music
This is about the difference between you and me
This isn't about music
This is about the difference between you and me
This isn't about music
This is about the difference between you and me

I am a birthday cake that we light up, blow out, cut apart and forget
I am a birthday cake that you light up, blow out, cut apart and forget
I am a birthday cake that you light up, blow out, cut apart, devour and forget
I am a birthday cake that you light up, blow out, cut apart, devour and forget

And I'm just like a holiday because I make everyone in the family cry
And I'm just like a holiday because I make everyone in the family cry
And I'm just like a holiday because I make everyone in the family cry

Love your enemy because love is the enemy
Love your enemy because love is the enemy
Love your enemy because love is the enemy
Love your enemy because love is the enemy
Your sell by date has expired
Your sell by date has expired
Your sell by date has expired
Your sell by date has expired

Our commercial should be faster because we are all just slowguns
Waiting to have our triggers pulled
The commercials need to be faster because we are all just slowguns
Waiting to have our triggers pulled
The commercials should be faster because we are just slowguns
Waiting to have our triggers pulled
The commercials should be faster because we are just slowguns
Waiting to have our triggers pulled
The commercials should be faster because we are just slowguns
Waiting to have our triggers pulled
The commercials should be faster because we are just slowguns
Waiting to have our triggers pulled
The commercials should be faster because we are just slowguns
Waiting to have our triggers pulled

Don't bother trying to save the brainforest
Don't bother trying to save the brainforest
Don't bother trying to save the brainforest
My pain is not ashamed to repeat itself
My pain is not ashamed to repeat itself
My pain is not ashamed to repeat itself
My pain is not ashamed to repeat itself
My pain is not ashamed to repeat itself

The aspiration to save the world is a morbid phenomenon of today's youth
The aspiration to save the world is a morbid phenomenon of today's youth
The aspiration to save the world is a morbid phenomenon of today's youth

It's time someone believes what I say, I've become a lie
Each time someone believes what I say, I become a lie
Each time someone believes what I say, I become a lie
Each time someone believes what I say, I become a lie

We have reached the end of history
The only thing left is cosmetic changes
We have reached the end of history
The only thing that's left is cosmetic changes

Lovers and Strangers

2011-01-21T19:38:00.000-08:00

Lovers are always strangers, always hiding themselves (whether they want to or not), always trying and failing to find out who the other really is, always trying to reveal themselves to the other but instead embellishing the mask. we are strangers to each other because we are strangers to ourselves. we don’t see who we are and we don’t want to see. we want to huddle with that one other person and build a world separate and different from the real world, one which is truer to the landscape of the heart. unfortunately, reality reasserts itself and tears that world apart. we are left with our vision in tatters, alone, estranged. then we either find a new stranger to love or we recognize that the person we love is, after all, a stranger — and we get interested all over again.

I hope you, and all of your "strangers" are doing well.

New Years

2010-12-30T20:36:00.000-08:00

what a formidable end to the past year. in many ways, its been the toughest of my life. got promoted, experienced heartache, my dad beat prostate cancer, and i graduated from the Army Logistics University at Fort Lee, VA - getting officially pinned as an ordnance officer. right now, im hanging out in my apartment just a few days away from deploying to Afghanistan for a year. im ready to knock it out and get back home. this waiting game is the worst part of it. i have a very special guest visiting me right now and i couldnt be happier. Dina got here late last night, and her luggage got put on the wrong flight so we had to wait and get the luggage at midnight last night. all is well bc we got it and are well on our way to an incredible weekend and a new years i will never forget. we went to the movies this afternoon and saw The Fighter which was good. then we came home and watched Tennessee lose a heartbreaker against UNC in the music city bowl down in nashville. had i thought about it, dina and i could have gone to the damned game. shes never been to Tennessee, or the south, before yesterday, and im so glad to have her here. sitting here watching the bowl game was a first for me in one way: i got to actually describe the game of football to her. she had never seen football and had no idea as to how it was played. once i explained it to her, she loved it and was cheering for the vols with me. perfect. she is taking a shower now and im just on the net logging this incredulous evening; which i will soon reread about when im down range. im thinking this might be the place where i blog online when im down range. ive had this blog for years and its connected to my email account @ gmail - which is great. we are trying to decide what we want to do for new years tomorrow. we might go home and see mom and dad, as they are excited to meet her and love her precious accent. then again, i might take her to louisville and go to fourth street live. i wish she could stay here for longer than 4 days and 5 nights. we have had such an awesome time thus far and shes barely been here 24 hrs. time to get back to college football. looks like im pulling for washington in this match up. Go Huskies!

2010-12-09T18:05:00.001-08:00

2010-12-09T18:05:00.000-08:00

2010-12-09T15:14:00.000-08:00

2010-12-09T15:13:00.000-08:00

My Sleeve. What it means..

2010-04-29T17:01:00.001-07:00

I have been asked by many, many of my friends to explain to them what my half sleeve means. and im tired of typing truncated explanations on facebook about it to each and everyone, so here it is. once and for all.

it should also be noted that i drew each and everything on my arm, so it IS extremely applicable and worthy to be called mine and worn for the rest of my life.

i am going to start by going from the top, to the bottom.

in the picture about, you can barely see the sparrow flying out of the purple clouds, back in towards my heart... but this is symbolic to me in this way... sparrows are what carry your soul to heaven when you die. they resemble hope to me. ironically, the "hope" the sparrow conveys and symbolizes, corresponds with the text "HOPE on the bottom side of the heart on my sleeve. we will get to that later.

the sparrow is flying out of purple clouds. i chose purple for the clouds because purple symbolizes loyalty and royalty. my idea of "love" is one of both of these entities. (loyalty and royalty bc all love is from God) in these clouds, moving down my arm, i have a cross and chinese kanji for bravery. the cross is the greek orthodox cross which symbolizes the orthodoxy of my faith in God and the kanji behind it symbolizes the bravery i have in my job and innate within my faith and life in general.

towards the back and center of my arm, encompassing the bulk of my upper arm, are 2 roses. one blue and one red. the red roses on the upper-back and center of my arm symbolizes the blood shed by virtue of being in love and most recently, from my last relationship with a girl named jennifer. love is beautiful and thus is a rose. this rose is covered by the blood and tears shed from love, giving it its color (beauty) and its thorn - symbolic of the harder times. southeast of the red rose and underneath it, is the bigger rose. the blue one. a red and black arm band runs thru this blue rose, symbolizing a modern form of thorns, innate in my love and life. the blue symbolizes me and my love. blue is monogamy and commitment. the purple clouds surrounding both clouds, again, represents the loyalty i foresee love having all the time. below the blue rose, amidst the purple clouds and black stars of loyalty, lies a vibrant, exquisite red heart, outlined in yellow, with a black key hole in the center. this is symbolic of what every girl i have ever dated has in common: they all have told me at one point, that i wear my heart on my sleeve. this reminds me that having your heart on your sleeve is both beautiful and risky. yet, in my opinion, it is the only way to truly love. you must hold nothing back when you love and when you are open, you give the person you love a chance to wreck you and void of this type of chance given to said person, all faux of feigned love is bound for failure. on the left side of the heart is a banner reading "HOPE." hope because i love my life in a constant state of hoping. hope is so miraculous and it affords us solace in hard times and keeps us going when the future, often times, appears bleak. on the back side of my arm, and the right side of the heart, is a rustic banner (same format as the HOPE banner) that reads "LOVE." i need not speak of love bc it is the iconic feeling and human condition that has been around since the inception of human kind and it by far, the most beautiful thing about this life. HOPE and LOVE appear to remind me that no matter where i go in this world, i always have have HOPE in God and love.

i hope this answers all inquiry regarding my half sleeve.

ct

no translators will sit in on my briefings

2010-04-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

"WE ARE THE RENEGADES!!! WE SHOOT TO KILL!!! WE SHOOT TO KILL!!!" -write this down

i have been told that a problem has been occurring in afghanistan regarding convoys.

since this is what my job consist of, i am going to do all i can as an officer and leader of my soldiers to mitigate such occurrences. it has been brought to my attention that convoys were getting hit and key leaders (lieutenants, platoon sergeants, etc...), were being killed. after-action reviews yielded the intel that interpreters sitting in on briefings were calling insurgents and telling them the order of march, etc, regarding convoy logistics patrols.

the arguments for having terps present in briefings is that they know more about the area than we do as occupiers. while this may be true, what is happening is worse than us relying on our own intelligence and conducting convoy logistics patrols (CLP). when i get boots on ground, and am given missions by my CO, if given the autonomy to decide whether or not to include the terp in my briefings to MY soldiers, i will opt out of it every time. NO terp will sit in on the briefings i give. they do not need to know what we are doing. their only purpose is to do ONE thing and THAT is to translate. they dont need to know what we are doing or where we are going. we will give them the intel they need but that will be all.

when i heard this was happening in afghanistan, i was furious. my mission is two-fold: 1. to complete the mission given to me by my CO and 2. bring my soldiers home alive and safe. henceforth, i will do all i can to make sure this happens. if terps are ratting out our routes to the insurgents, then they will be left out of briefings and relied upon solely to do exactly what we need them for in the first place.

a stain on my life

2010-04-08T20:47:00.000-07:00

i havent updated my blog in some time. since the last time, alot has transpired. in fact, im not so sure at even how necessary the blogosphere is, anymore. with youtube, twitter, and facebook - the blogosphere has taken a down turn regarding updates - at least as far as I am concerned.

i PCS'ed to Fort Knox recently. i now live here in Elizabethtown, KY. i have been taking it easy on leave and Permissive TDY pretty much the entire month of march. its been a month i wont soon forget. i hate to say it, but i actually miss BOLC. i get the feeling that being here at my unit is going to be taxing. emotionally, physically, and psychologically, more than anything.

i am set to deploy to Afghanistan sometime towards the end of the year. october at the earliest and december, at the latest - is what i am being told by my CO, CPT Thompson. i am dreading it and all that will be real there. death, violence, and war... a year filled with everything that is bad and wrong in the world. while we all like violence in movies and book, where we are far removed from its reality, when faced with it daily, it becomes something that is terribly and tragically real.

i have a feeling that this deployment is going to change me. it will change the way i see things and view the world, and people. why people resort to this as a means of attaining their wants remains unknown to me. i am a liberal and wish that the world adhered to this mentality. not that the world may be more like me, rather, that the world would value peace and tranquility, and embrace this as opposed to war. i can already see that my career in the army is going to be for my first commitment and then i will be moving on to something else, where i do not have to be a witness to war and death.

i want to be a police officer and preserve peace and serve law abiding citizens. not be a part of a failed-attempt at policing a people and world that knows nothing of lawfulness. i fear this is what we are going to be doing, moreover, what i will be doing, in afghanistan. this troubles me. most of all, im afraid this is going to leave a stain on my life.

ct

Americanism

2010-01-27T16:40:00.000-08:00

over dinner tonight with harold, i enjoyed a very profound conversation that really opened my eyes to the blind ways i have found myself living in for the past 25 years. as we were walking back to the hotel, harold was talking to me about his travels in europe and to many russian-block countries. he went on to say how good we have it here in the USA.. while this sounds very normal and expected, it just made me think... no wonder people hate Americans. we truly are fickle and selfish. i heard someone complaining about the towels and their fabric the other day here at the hotel and i immediately reverted back to that moment as harold and i were talking and it just made me realize that life is so wonderful here and all the stupid things that i complain about and allow to rub me the wrong way are so trivial in the grand scheme of life. i have it so good here and God has blessed me beyond all things to be an American and I am so very proud to be from the United States. Moreover, i am proud to work for the government and have such a good job. I complain all the time about it, it seems.. yet when i reflect, God has me right here where he wants me and its high time i thank Him and appreciate what he has allowed me to do. The sooner i do this, the better life shall seem. Life is beautiful and i have allowed my utopian view of this life to be muddied with my own selfish indulgences and its blurred the beauty of life. My "Americanism" has blurred my thankful heart and for this I am truly sorry.

My book review of the US Army COIN Field Manual

2010-01-10T16:51:00.001-08:00

When the American military invaded the sovereign nation of Iraq in 2003, it lacked a well-structured knowledge of the problems inherent in counterinsurgency operations. This grim reality laid the foundation for COIN operations and prompted a study group tasked with writing what would become known as the US Army & Marine Corps Counterinsurgency Field Manual. This text was written to bridge the gap between the lack of knowledge many Army officers had about counterinsurgency and where the US military would have to get in order to reach its objectives in this campaign. The result of this collaboration amongst scholars, military professionals, and students of the campaign itself was an approach to combat that emphasized constant adaptation and learning, the importance of decentralized decision – making, the need to understand local politics and customs, and the key role of intelligence in winning the support of the population.
This text, in many ways, dates, yet acknowledges the principles of war from the Army FM 3-0. Since the core of this text is about revamping and revolutionizing the ways and means by which our nation conducts military operations, it diverges from the orthodoxy seen in many previous Army FM’s regarding principles of war. That is not to say that various principles of war, congruent with Clausewitzian theory are not present within this text. Rather, they have evolved and grown interwoven. Furthermore, this text also reiterates the “paradoxical and often counterintuitive nature of counterinsurgency operations.” For example, the more you protect your forces, the less safe they are; often times, the more force you use, the less effective it is; and sometimes, doing nothing is the best reaction.
Let us now look to the primary tenants of the text. They are comprised in a succinct fashion of eight outlined chapters, each covering every facet of counterinsurgency. Chapter one is a historical recount of insurgency and the problems inherent with combating it. This part of the text draws heavily from the Vietnam era, but also touches on the ethnic struggles within the English empire regarding the Welsh, Irish, and Scots. The historical coverage in this chapter is extremely broad and not in depth. Chapter two vividly discusses the integral need for civilian and military operations to be aligned and adjoined. It should also be noted that this ideology is nothing new. Regardless, the mere fact that it has made its way to an Army FM is important. GEN Petraeus plays an integral role in formulating this idea into the publication within this manual. This touches briefly on the unity of command principle of war. It is mandatory that all facets of operation (military and civilian) coalesce around the same objective and formulate their strategy accordingly in order to be successful and ascertain mission accomplishment.
Chapter three covers the means of gathering intelligence while conducting counterinsurgency operations. The commander is always in dire need of intelligence regarding his foe. However, the means of gathering intelligence in COIN is very different from conventional warfare. This manual does a superb job in covering the “what” of intelligence but lacks sufficiently on the “how,” or means of ascertaining it. This appears to be something of inevitability because the society itself is under attack from the insurgency, is used to conceal the insurgency, and is used as a base from which its operations are launched against the occupying nation’s military. The text spends a decent amount of time conveying the lack of American forces being able to truly speak the language of the nation’s inhabitants. Thus, military personnel are at the mercy of residential interpreters whose loyalties can wane between the hiring entity and the local populace. This chapter evades the orthodoxy of conventional war as it pertains to the principles of war.
Chapter four is vastly responsible for covering the strategy innate in designing a counterinsurgency campaign. Once again, strong on the “what,” yet sub par on the “how” regarding COIN. This is due to the circumstantial realities of a situation and cannot be covered universally. This is a subject of much-needed investigation and continual research. The three principles of war that could be honed in on as a part of this further investigation are: maneuver, simplicity, and objective. How can we simplify our objective so that it is congruent with both military and civilian operations, while incorporating a multifaceted maneuver technique that isn’t bound by a certain populace? These are formidable inquiries off-setting a realm of further investigation.
Chapter five details the methodology innate within the execution of COIN operations. Its main point is that "counterinsurgency operations require synchronized application of military, paramilitary, political, economic, psychological, and civic actions." However, this is nothing new. The British knew this in Malaysia and we knew it in Vietnam. However, what is note-worthy is that it has officially made its way to being included within the Army’s latest FM on COIN operations. The transition between chapters five and six is lucid. Chapter six outlines how the American military shall build up host nation forces (military and police). This section is on-point, however, points are made noting the difference between the aggression of the American forces training and the Afghani or Iraqi forces being trained. The Americans are bound by a timetable and this detrimentally affects quality of training and the viability of the newly trained soldier.
Chapter seven includes a new paradigm that has never before been seen or included in any FM: ethics and leadership in COIN. The authors spend an ample amount of time discussing the Just War Criteria of Discrimination and Proportion, which attempts to legitimize and authenticate the role of ethics innate in COIN operations and their need for mission accomplishment.
Chapter eight covers the logistical support required for success regarding COIN operations. This is the most important facet of this text as it pertains to ordnance officers. An interesting point noted by the authors here is that historically; the US has fought “rich” wars as opposed to smart, frugal wars. This might seem difficult to conceptualize given the vast resources behind our military efforts. Nevertheless, it is important to understand that pouring an unending amount of resources into a nation that cannot support said resources upon the American withdrawal sets the stage for corruption on all levels of the newly-trained government and its forces. In time, this consequently subverts our initial objectives, potentially requiring our reintegration into said nation. Thus, creating a mainstay or occupational perception from other world players along with the local populace.
The US Army and Marine Corps Counterinsurgency Field Manual is an impeccable step forward for the US government as it pertains to conducting COIN operations worldwide. This style of warfare is “the war of the flea” and should our government not adhere to doctrine within this manual, our nation and its military are in for a long, tumultuous future regarding foreign military endeavors. While this text is needed in today’s military at the planning level, it isn’t without flaw. The most interesting and important part of this text is the introduction by University of Chicago Press writer Sarah Sewall. She asserts that this manual is written by the wrong entity. This manual was written by the military and its hired hands, not the political branch of our government. As military theorist Karl von Clausewitz states,” war is the continuation of policy by other means.” This is truer nowhere than in COIN operations. Thus, the need for civilians and political scientists’ role here is more needed because COIN operations must be governed by political objectives and considerations, first and foremost.

2010-01-06T20:49:00.001-08:00

2010-01-06T20:48:00.000-08:00

Dead effects

2010-01-06T20:46:00.000-08:00

PICS from college

2009-12-29T20:56:00.001-08:00

Blah

23 august 2009

2009-12-28T22:27:00.000-08:00

The day I left fort Lewis Washington to come home. Doin what I do
best: the music.

My Jenny

2009-12-28T22:26:00.001-08:00

Hometown furlough 2009 December

2009-12-28T22:24:00.000-08:00

dream life misery

2009-12-28T10:30:00.000-08:00

as i was driving in johnson city today, i realized how much i love being a civilian. i love johnson city because its where my girl is and i just feel so connected to everything we had and have built as a couple here in this town. my dream is to come back here perhaps and be a police officer somewhere... if not here, then somewhere else and have jenny with me as my wife and have her working as a dental hygienist somewhere in that town. i guess im just ready to have that and maybe im looking forward too much but its all i can see at this point. i was talking to my buddy yesterday and he said he was ready to come back and just have a nice little house and just live the american dream with a wife and kids in the front yard. i want that too and i know i will have it someday.. i just look forward to it everyday. im ready to get the next 5 years over with in the army. im not looking forward to being in afghanistan for a year. but it is going to happen so i am going to try to make the most of it and ask for prayer from all of my friends and jenny, most importantly. through all we have been through, my faith in her is still alive and unshaken. i guess the more i live my life with her in it, the more i see that she is my partner and its just time that we just set all the bullshit aside and just be what God wants us to be; lovers united by Him and living his will. my dream is to come back and be a cop somewhere and live a normal life with her. my life right now is being an army officer and somethings associated with it make up the misery i feel at times... being away from her and our home.

Interesting Quote by William Shakespeare QuickQuotes

2009-12-28T09:57:00.001-08:00

"I hate ingratitude more in a person; than lying, vainness, babbling,
drunkenness, or, any taint of vice whose strong corruption inhabits
our frail blood. [Twelfth Night]"

---
Attogear QuickQuote Apps for iPhone/iPod Touch - http://www.attogear.com

Sent from my iPhone

2009-12-27T22:49:00.001-08:00

2009

2009-12-27T13:32:00.001-08:00

looking back on this year, i have mixed emotions. i was talking to jennifer, the girl i love, and she said that it was the worst year of her life. i have to ask myself if i am the cause of her hurt, and this in many ways, effects how i view this past year. though heartache built this year in some ways, there were also some other good things that i look back on.

i got engaged to jenny for a short time before it was called off, i commissioned as an army officer, i received my master's degree, i lived in seattle, washington for 1/4 of the year this past summer, i completed BOLC II at fort benning GA, and spent time with the girl i have loved more than any other person i have ever known. it is sad that the end of this year has been the culmination of she and i. part of me hopes in us and thinks that we can work everything out but small re-occurances make me doubt. i was diagnosed with UC at the beginning of the year also, this is hard to believe that it was back in january when i received this bad news. but the good news is that the army waived it and now they are responsible for it for the rest of my life. my mom's best friend died, relatives died, and my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and had it removed successfully. jenny was there for me through all of it, and i will not soon forget her dedication in this realm.

its always .... interesting, in odd ways, to type these end of the year blogs, consisting of the ups and downs of the ending year. i guess its all about perspective...how do we choose to view the year that is ending? shall we look back on it and lament the sad times, or shall we look back and see it as another year that God allowed us to live and experience it all. for better or worse, i bless 2009. has it been hard? yes. would i do it again? yes. why? because i believe i am better to have experienced it all than had i not. i have so many good memories with jenny that its not even funny. i will never regret the year and i hope someday, she can look back on us and 2009 and say it was worth it. for me, i already know it is.

If We Could

2009-12-27T12:45:00.004-08:00

If We Could

Who’s it gonna be, you or me
I’m the one who’s looking and you’re the one I see
If it’s meant to be
Are you alright, are you okay
You know I never thought it would end this way
There’ll be brighter days
When I see you smile again, you’ll be mine again

If we could fly away
To a place where there’s no yesterday
Maybe we’ll find a way
To erase the marks of all this pain
All this pain

Who’s it gonna be, you or me
I’m still looking but it’s getting hard to see
If this is meant to be
And are you alright, you’re doing okay
You know I never wanted to leave you this way
There’ll be brighter days
And I’ll see you smile again, you’ll be mine again

If we could fly away
To a place where there’s no yesterday
Maybe we’ll find a way
To erase the marks of all this pain

If we could fly away
To a place where there’s no yesterday
Maybe we’ll find a way
To erase the marks of all this, of all this pain

So who’s it gonna be, you or me
I’m the one who’s looking and you’re the one I see
If it’s meant to be

2009-12-27T12:45:00.003-08:00

2009-12-27T12:45:00.001-08:00

Christmas

2009-12-24T22:15:00.001-08:00

Well it is Christmas eve. Technically it's already Christmas... Its been one hella year. Another Christmas blog tomorrow, from the iPhone yea because I didn't bring the MacBook home. Merry Christmas!!!!

- Posted from my iPhone. -ct

let me give the world to you

2009-12-15T17:18:00.000-08:00

Last chance to make believe in
Always and all it seems
Train wrecks hide underneath
Your umbrella
Set the frame
Destiny, on this last name soliloquy
Tired symphonies played downward
Let me give the world to you, my love
Let me give the world to you, my love
Let me show you what I'm thinking of
Let me give the world to you, my love
So far
So far
So far
Lovers form dead excuse
And blur the lines with soul abuse
My lonesome lies just have no use around here
New skin may hold you in
But the old skin still turns us on
Flicker fades the nitrate dawn to where
Let me give the world to you, my love
Let me show you what i'm thinking of, my love
Times are hard and we're the last in line
'Cause in my grief I'd forgotten what was mine
No, I wouldn't change a thing
No, I, no, I
No, I wouldn't change a thing
About the way you are
The distance here
The speed so far
So far
So far
So far
Let me give the world to you, my love
Let me give the world to you, my love
Let me give the world to you
Let me give the world to you
Let me give the world to you
Let me give the world to you
Let me give the world to you, my love
So far
So far
So far

Runaway Train

2009-12-15T12:21:00.000-08:00

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
Just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same ....

-soul asylum

shadow

2009-12-13T14:31:00.000-08:00

driving in the poring rain
wishing you would wash away
thought i left you far behind
back when we both said goodbye
your in every face i see
even strangers on the street
you live in this radio
there's nowhere that i can go

try to run, i try to hide
i leave your memory behind
like a shadow you wont leave
i take you everywhere with me
take you everywhere with me

i would walk across the world
a million miles from what we were
if that would free me from your chains
help me forget your name

try to run i try to hide
i leave your memory behind
like a shadow you wont leave
i take you everywhere with me
take you everywhere with me

i cant shake you
i cant make you go away
and i cant take this haunting me for one more day

try to run, i try to hide
leave your memory behind
like a shadow you wont leave
i take you everywhere with me

try to run, i try to hide
i leave your memory behind
but like a shadow you wont leave
i take you everywhere with me
take you everywhere with me

words of encouragement from a friend

2009-12-13T14:06:00.001-08:00

this afternoon, i spoke with a friend and he mentioned that he kept a journal. he seemed to have therapeutic returns as a result of keeping said journal. for the longest time i have had blogs, etc. however, i havent kept them in a manner of "journaling" so to speak. what does this mean? im not quite sure. however, i think that i am going to start doing so instead of merely posting rants about politics that no one really seems to care about. after all, i want to log my thoughts and feelings, because i dont have many people to talk to at certain times given my job and the business innate in the lives of my closest friends.

thus, i will consult my journal here and hopefully it will be therapeutic in the same way for me as it has been for my friend.

For A While

2009-12-11T12:46:00.001-08:00

Expect all your life to be let down
And to say goodbye to friends you’ve found
Because we both will have to leave this town
For better lives

And for a while
I will take it day by day
And drive for miles
Though I still don’t know the way
When everything was beautiful
But we still have dreams to chase

And here I miss you more than ever now
As I stare in space you laugh out loud
And all the stupid things I’ve done ‘til now
Bitter hearts can lie

And for a while
I will take it day by day
And drive for miles
Though I still don’t know the way
When everything was beautiful
But we went our separate ways

And who needs this?
Cause it always ends this way
Don’t repeat this,
But I’ll gladly take the blame

One in the same
Nothing has changed
But you still won’t find me

And for a while
I will throw this all away
And drive for miles
Though I still don’t know the way
When everything was beautiful
But we still had dreams to chase
When everything was beautiful
But we went our separate ways
Someday you’ll realize that it’s better off this way
(It just takes time…)

Breathe

2009-12-10T14:37:00.000-08:00

"Home is a feeling I buried in you.... I'm alright I'm alright, it only hurts when I breathe..."

- Posted from my iPhone. -ct

Candyass Albm Review

2009-11-27T13:20:00.000-08:00

So i picked up a copy of "candyass," the 1998 release from orgy... and im sitting here and looking up reviews for the record as i watch the4 iron bowl (auburn vs alabama) and i stumble across THIS....

OBJECTIONABLE CONTENT:
The song also finds the singer drawn to a woman on a downward spiral. Rage and angst flow on nearly every track. On "Fetisha" a man speaks of "raping you all with a stick" and proclaims, "I've come to kill all of you." The band rejects religious people, calling them "social enemies" on the song of the same title. A disturbed lover reminds his partner of "dirty things" they'd discussed, saying, "Don't you know I hate you so?" ("Stitches"). Numerous f-words sully the lyrics. On "Dizzy," the singer berates a girl, calling her a "f---ing mess . . . just another pretty face in a roomful of whores." He mockingly adopts the voice of parental authority ("Pantomime"), wants to be someone's "dirty dream designer"("Gender") and repeats, "[I could] watch you kill for me"("All the Same"). The abusive "Fiend" aggravates an individual's already low self-esteem. Grinding, nihilistic trash.

SUMMARY/PARENTAL ADVISORY:
If you took the raw musical style of Marilyn Manson and added the hopeless lyrics of Kurt Cobain, you'd arrive at the self-proclaimed "death pop" of Orgy. "It's all five-in-the-morning, p---ed off, fighting-with-each-other, kill-each-other kinda stuff," says guitarist Ryan Shuck. "Our songs are all just slightly deranged." That and the band's name are all parents need to know.

personally, i dont think they sound anything like manson. i love the creativity here in gordon's group. i think its a very cool, dark sound.

Suicide

2009-11-27T12:38:00.000-08:00

As far as I know, none but the votaries of monotheistic, that is to say, Jewish religions, look upon suicide as a crime. This is all the more striking, inasmuch as neither in the Old or in the New Testament is there to be found any prohibition or positive disapproval of it; so that religious teachers are forced to base their condemnation of suicide on philosophical grounds of their own invention. These are so very bad that writers of this kind endeavor to make up for the weakness of their arguments by the strong terms in which they express their abhorrence of the practice; in other words, they declaim against it. They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice; that only a madman could be guilty of it, and other insipidities of the same kind; or else they make the nonsensical remark that suicide is wrong, when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person.

Suicide, as I have said, is actually accounted a crime; and a crime which, especially under the vulgar bigotry that prevails in England, is followed by an ignominious burial and the seizure of the man's property; and for that reason, in a case of suicide, the jury almost always bring in a verdict of insanity. Now let the reader's own moral feelings decide as to whether suicide is a criminal act. Think of the impression that would be made upon you by the news that someone you know had committed the crime, say, of murder or theft, or been guilty of some act of cruelty or deception; and compare it with your feelings when you hear that he has met a voluntary death. While in the one case a lively sense of indignation and extreme resentment will be aroused, and you will call loudly for punishment or revenge, in the other you will be moved to grief and sympathy; and mingled with your thoughts will be admiration for his courage, rather than the moral disapproval which follows upon a wicked action.

Who has not had acquaintances, friends, relations, who of their own free will have left this world; and are these to be thought of with horror as criminals? Most emphatically No! I am rather of the opinion that the clergy should be challenged to explain what right they have to go into the pulpit, or take up their pens, and stamp as a crime an action which many men whom we hold in affection and honor have committed; and to refuse an honorable burial to those who relinquish this world voluntarily. They have no Biblical authority to boast of, as justifying the condemnation of suicide; nay, not even any philosophical arguments that will hold water; and it must be understood that it is arguments we want, and that we will not be put off with mere phrases or words of abuse. If the criminal law forbids suicide, that is not an argument valid in the church; and besides, the prohibition is ridiculous; for what penalty can frighten a man who is not afraid of death itself? If the law punishes people for trying to commit suicide, it is punishing the want of skill that makes the attempt a failure.

The ancients, moreover, were very far from regarding the matter in that light. Pliny says: Life is not so desirable a thing as to be protracted at any cost. Whoever you are, you are sure to die, even though your life has been full of abomination and crime. The chief of all remedies for a troubled mind is the feeling that among the blessings which Nature gives to man there is none greater than an opportune death; and the best of it is that every one of us can avail himself of it 1. And elsewhere the same writer declares: Not even to God are all things possible; for he could not compass his own death, if he willed to die, and yet in all the miseries of our earthly life this is the best of his gifts to man 2. Nay, in Massilia and on the isle of Ceos, the man who could give valid reasons for relinquishing his life was handed the cup of hemlock by the magistrate, and that, too, in public 3. And in ancient times how many heroes and wise men died a voluntary death. Aristotle 4 , it is true, declared suicide to be an offense against the State; but in Stobaeus's exposition of the Peripatetic philosophy there is the following remark: The good man should flee life when his misfortunes become too great; the bad man, also, when he is too prosperous. And similarly: So he will marry and beget children and take part in the affairs of the State, and, generally, practice virtue and continue to live; and then, again, if need be, and at any time necessity compels him, he will depart to his place of refuge in the tomb5. And we find that the Stoics actually praised suicide as a noble and heroic action as hundreds of passages show; above all in the works of Seneca, who expresses the strongest approval of it. As is well known, the Hindus look upon suicide as a religious act, especially when it takes the form of self-immolation by widows; but also when it consists in casting oneself under the wheels of the chariot of the god of Juggernaut, or being eaten by crocodiles in the Ganges, or being drowned in the holy tanks in the temples, and so on. The same thing occurs on the stage - that mirror of life. For example, in L'Orphelin de la Chine 6, a celebrated Chinese play, almost all the characters end by suicide; without the slightest hint anywhere, or any impression being produced on the spectator, that they are committing a crime. And in our own theater it is much the same - Palmira, for example, in Mahomet, or Mortimer in Maria Stuart, Othello, Countess Terzky. Is Hamlet's monologue the meditation of a criminal? He merely declares that if we had any certainty of being annihilated by it, death would be infinitely preferable to the world as it is. But there lies the rub!

The reasons advanced against suicide by the clergy of monotheistic, that is to say, Jewish religions, and by those philosophers who adapt themselves thereto, are weak sophisms which can be easily refuted 7 . The most thorough-going refutation of them is given by Hume in his Essay on Suicide. This did not appear until after his death, when it was immediately suppressed, owing to the scandalous bigotry and outrageous ecclesiastical tyranny that prevailed in England; and hence only a few copies of it were sold under cover of secrecy and at high price. This and another treatise by that great man have come to us from Basle, and we may be thankful for the reprint 8. It is a great disgrace to the English nation that a purely philosophical treatise, which, proceeding from one of the first thinkers and writers in England, aimed at refuting the current arguments against suicide by the light of cold reason, should be forced to sneak about in that country as though it were some rascally production, until at last it found refuge on the Continent. At the same time it shows what a good conscience the Church has in such matters.

In my chief work I have explained the only valid reason existing against suicide on the score of morality. It is this: that suicide thwarts the attainment of the highest moral aim by the fact that, for a real release from this world of misery, it substitutes one that is merely apparent. But from a mistake to a crime is a far cry; and it is as a crime that the clergy of Christendom wish us to regard suicide.

The inmost kernel of Christianity is the truth that suffering - the Cross - is the real end and object of life. Hence Christianity condemns suicide as thwarting this end; whilst the ancient world, taking a lower point of view, held it in approval, nay, in honor. But if that is to be accounted a valid reason against suicide it invokes the recognition of asceticism; that is to say, it is valid only from a much higher ethical standpoint than has ever been adopted by moral philosophers in Europe. If we abandon that high standpoint, there is no tenable reason left, on the score of morality, for condemning suicide. The extraordinary energy and zeal with which the clergy of monotheistic religions attack suicide is not supported either by any passages in the Bible or by any considerations of weight; so that it looks as though they must have some secret reason for their contention. May it not be this - that the voluntary surrender of life is a bad compliment for him who said that all things were very good? If this is so, it offers another instance of the crass optimism of these religions - denouncing suicide to escape being denounced by it.

It will generally be found that, as soon as the terrors of life reach the point at which they outweigh the terrors of death, a man will put an end to his own life. But the terrors of death offer considerable resistance; they stand like a sentinel at the gate leading out of this world. Perhaps there is no man alive who would not have already put an end to his own life, if this end had been of a purely negative character, a sudden stoppage of existence. There is something positive about it; it is the destruction of the body; and a man shrinks from that, because his body is the manifestation of the will to live.

However, the struggle with that sentinel is, as a rule, not so hard as it seems from a long way off, mainly in consequence of the antagonism between the ills of the body and the ills of the mind. If we are in great bodily pain, or the pain lasts a long time, we become indifferent to other troubles; all we think about is to get well. In the same way great mental suffering makes us insensible to bodily pain; we despise it; nay, if it should outweigh the other, it distracts our thoughts, and we welcome it as a pause in mental suffering. It is this feeling that makes suicide easy; for the bodily pain that accompanies it loses all significance in the eyes of one who is tortured by an excess of mental suffering. This is especially evident in the case of those who are driven to suicide by some purely morbid and exaggerated ill-humor. No special effort to overcome their feelings is necessary, nor do such people require to be worked up in order to take the step; but as soon as the keeper in whose charge they are given leaves them for a couple of minutes they quickly bring their lives to an end.

When, in some dreadful and ghastly dream, we reach the moment of greatest horror, it awakes us; thereby banishing all the hideous shapes that were born of the night. And life is a dream; when the moment of greatest horror compels us to break it off, the same thing happens.

Suicide may also be regarded as an experiment - a question which man puts to Nature, trying to force her to an answer. The question is this: What change will death produce in a man's existence and in his insight into the nature of things? It is a clumsy experiment to make; for it involves the destruction of the very consciousness which puts the question and awaits the answer

Philosophy

2009-11-26T18:53:00.000-08:00

Philosophy, as I have understood it hitherto, is a voluntary retirement into the regions of ice and mountain peaks - the seeking-out of everything strange and questionable in existence, everything upon which, hitherto, morality has set its ban. - Friedrich Nietzsche
svperstar

gone

2009-11-24T17:35:00.000-08:00

jennifer left me for good tonight. i wont ever forget this day and how bad i feel.

New Thoughts on Afghanistan

2009-11-24T15:10:00.001-08:00

the situation in afghanistan is getting to be complete nonsense. i say this on a few counts.

1. the republican support for this war is 110% incomprehensible.
2. president obama is playing into the bush rhetoric and doing, virtually, the same thing bush and his criminals did.
3. how the hell is president obama going to sell this troop surge to those that elected him based on his promises that ultimately got him elected?
4. obama is damned if he does/damned if he doesnt.
5. who the hell are we going to pay for this troop "surge"?

the republican support for this is insane. i am so sick and tired of people that are as politically ignorant and offer virtually NOTHING positive to the country. all they ever do is vote "NO" and say "NO" to everything the president and his people propose. what are your plans republicans? stay in afghanistan forever? who is going to pay for it? how many times are we going to ask those of us in the military, primarily the army and marines, to go over there and do tour after tour? 4, 5, 6, 7 times in a 10 year career? right now the deployment cycle is at one year there and one year here... thats 10 years out of 20 deployed in a shit hole for those in the military that are making a career out of it right now. can you imagine the marital problems that will be caused as a result of this? you are away from your wife for 10 years out of the 20 you are spending in the military? how can you build a life with a person going through that? how are you going to ask soldiers to spend potentially 10 years away from the lives of their children, growing up? it is absolutely immoral and sickening.

the reality is this... the american people, aside from those in the military or have a husband or wife in the military, do not know shit about the pain and torment this war is causing America. they dont know shit about sacrificing for this war. its just a news story on MSNBC and FOX to them.. they dont see any results of those of us in the military having to go back and back and back.

my proposal is this: the federal gov needs to make all taxpayers pay an additional $40 a week for this war in afghanistan. thats over $200 billion a month if just 100 million americans pay it. the things we could do with that would be unreal. the people that dont support the war SURTAX are just not simply seeing it for what it is. it is a tax to make people see.. if you vote for something and claim to support it, then get behind the effort. get behind it and support it financially. money doesnt grow on trees. but the american people are tight with their $. they want to keep it. and to be honest, i dont blame them. it boils down to this: the american people, when forced to put their wallets where their voting record lies, do not support the war. and they are right for not doing so. president obama is essentially, on many levels, doing the same thing bush did. selling the american people the line that the afghan area is where al-qaeda are training, etc.. that is nonsense. it simply is. no training camps have been located in over 18 months in afghanistan. at all. the CIA has stated that there are approximately 100-150 al-qaeda fighters. also, the DOD has estimated that it costs the US government $1,000,000 PER SOLDIER a year to keep them war-ready and in the fight. this includes their pay and housing and all amenities while they are deployed. if we have 150,000 troops there, that is 150 million a year SOLELY ON PAYING THE TROOPS AND KEEPING THEM COMBAT READY. this does NOT include the daily COSTS of war with fuel to run the vehicles, etc.

again, the issue is with funding this war. the ignorant fools who vote to support this conflict that has been going on for nearly 9 years, longer than ANY conflict in the history of the USA, are talking out of 2 sides of their mouthes. they want to keep their soldiers there, yet they dont want to pay for it directly. you cannot have your cake and eat it too. and the fact that our president is damned if he does and damned if he doesnt is pissing me off. he is damned as being a pussy and someone who doesnt care about "keeping america safe" if he doesnt give mcchystal what he wants. and if he does, then he is adhering to the same crap that the bushies did. but its all under the guise of this lie that afghanistan is where terrorists are training and posing a direct threat to the USA. that is and has been false for YEARS. anyone who thinks otherwise isnt simply not well-read in the conflict. president obama is doing the best he can with the plate of shit he inherited from the bush criminals. i hope he can stay strong and lead us through this all and its all for the best. i pray for him daily and have sworn my undying support to him and this nation and will do my duty regardless. its just sad he has been given the unfair slate that the former administration and the american people are giving him. God bless him and the american warriors fighting for him and the american state.

Do You Think Of Me?

2009-11-24T13:53:00.000-08:00

Its a quarter to ten
and I'm still in bed cause I got no sleep
Its been a long cold night
and I been so tired every day this week
Since you left
My mind doesn't rest
and I don't know why
Baby I can't believe you said goodbye

Everywhere I look
Your memory hangs in a frame
And the letter box outside your door
Still wears your name
Well maybe I'm just naive
But I'm still holding on
Every day without you's just too long.

I can't sleep
I can't breathe
Every night I lie awake and I still pray
I'll be in the back of your mind
When you're home all alone
Are you broken hearted from my memory
Do you think of me?

I'm trying to think of the bad times
That I spent with you
Coz thinking about the good times
Never helped me through
Its a bit of a mystery
How it all went wrong
Suddenly I'm singing sad love songs

I can't sleep
I can't breathe
Every night I lie awake and I still pray
I'll be in the back of your mind
When you're home all alone
Are you broken hearted from my memory
Do you think of me

Do you think about the promises made
Do you think about the love that I gave
Do you think of me
Do you think of me at all

I can't sleep
I can't breathe
Every night I lie awake and I still pray
I'll be in the back of your mind
When you're home all alone
Are you broken hearted from my memory
Do you think of me

Black Rose

2009-11-21T22:07:00.000-08:00

I saw you in the garden
I wanted you so much
I really thought that you were different
Oh I couldn't get enough
I tried to save you from yourself
I felt every high and low
But the lows have drowned the highs away
Now there's no where else to go

Black rose your thorns are cutting into me
For the last time
Black rose I watched your petals wilt away
I couldn't bring you back to life

You were always where the sun could never go
I never wanted you to have to be alone
But I couldn't find a way to help you grow
Black Rose

You never tell me how you feel
And your moods they always change
I really tried to make it real
But you never had the faith
I tried to give you something good
To take the pain away
I tried to make you understand
You don't have to be this way

I'm not the one who hurt you (I couldn't save you)
So why are you so scared (You are who you are)
All that you've been put through (I couldn't break through)
Couldn't be repaired (We're too far apart)

I'm not the one who hurt you (I couldn't save you)
I'm the only one who cared (You are who you are)
You'll need someone to turn to (I couldn't save you)
And I will not be there

Every time I held you I knew that it would hurt
Only through the pain I could find a way to learn

Black rose your thorns are cutting into me
For the last time
Black rose I watched your petals wilt away
So wilt away
Couldn't bring you back to life

Human Nature

2009-11-21T18:58:00.001-08:00

...is the most wicked reality on this earth...

"other-than-ordinary"

2009-11-20T21:13:00.000-08:00

what is it that attracts me to the wretched realities of this world? i have been asking myself this as of late. ever since the 7th grade, i can remember being interested in true crime, war, rock and roll, and anything void of the status-quo.

but what is it that draws me to enjoy reading of such depravity? war. think about it. forget everything you know about everything you have learned in school about war, and the American romanticide therein. our nation has had a love affair with war since the onset of our existence. granted our nation was founded solely on the one thing that many today deem as ungodly and wrong; rebellion. we are a nation, branded together via our ancestors, of rebels. this is something that many people too soon forget. but for why? just as the tree of liberty must be refreshed with the blood of tyrants from time to time, so this thought must remain on the cusp of our minds.

after many long nights, and days in class, mind you, i have come to this notion on the topic at hand. i am drawn to stories of depravity and memoirs of this wretched earth, not because i am morally inept or spiritually rotten, rather because it is in human nature to be drawn to that which is other-than-ordinary. for instance, the news. msnbc, fox news, cnn, etc... they all report the same things. granted, some have agendas, but that is irrelevant for this discussion. they all have an underlying theme: they report stories that are "news worthy." thus, we must ask ourselves, "what deems a story newsworthy?" when a story has something that makes it other-than-ordinary. an election result, a murder, a rape, a kidnapping, a crazed sexual deviant, a shocking sporting event - or the outcome of such, war, war, war, death, war, death, suicide, etc. see a common theme here? the news is rampant with wretchedness. is it any wonder that rated R movies such as SAW are in their sixth offering? absolutely not. people always bitch and complain about SAW and other grotesque films depicting sheer depravity and violence. but take a step back before you blast the makers. are they fucked up? are they twisted? perhaps, to a certain degree. but the real reason they make these films is money. people want it. they people in this world and specifically, in this nation, are the most blood-thirsty animals on the planet. does it shock you to know that america produces more pornography and violent films than all other nations on earth times 11? it shouldnt. because it is fact.

so, in many ways, i have answered my own question and provided my perplexed state a dose of solace, to some degree. i think that i am just like the vast majority of americans. i am drawn to stories that are other-thank-ordinary. and i dont think that this says anything bad about me morally as a person. granted, this is subjective. i would posture that if you asked your pastor at church what he thinks about buying a marilyn manson rock and roll record or a piece of literature written my the marquis de sade, you would probably be shunned or cursed. however, this doesnt keep me from enjoying things such as this.

so then the question then becomes... how can an orthodox christian enjoy listening to manson, slipknot, heavy metal, etc, and reading rancid stories of war, violence, and sadism? very easily. humans have a natural affinity to read about their own kind. much as the cheetah is prone to seek out the cheetah, humans are, except on a higher level, psychologically. though all cheetahs are the same, all humans are not. those of us that live in the civil realm of society still have an innate desire to read of the worst of their kind.. some more than others, but when you hear of a murder case or kidnapping, what is your initial reaction... to gasp and read the ENTIRE article or watch the TV religiously, to follow it until the end. it is in our nature. and human nature is as wretched as anything marquis de sade ever penned. perhaps, this is why i dont find it appalling in the least. is it godless? is it filthy? is it depravity in the highest degree? yes. is it real? is it any different from the fodder cnn and fox news and msnbc report from 0500 until 2200 hours? not in the least.

Crime

2009-11-20T15:06:00.000-08:00

O thou my friend! The prosperity of Crime is like unto the lightning, whose traitorous brilliancies embellish the atmosphere but for an instant, in order to hurl into death's very depths the luckless one they have dazzled.

-MdS
svperstar

"In A Letter to His Wife"

2009-11-20T13:33:00.000-08:00

My manner of thinking, so you say, cannot be approved. Do you suppose I care? A poor fool indeed is he who adopts a manner of thinking for others! My manner of thinking stems straight from my considered reflections; it holds with my existence, with the way I am made. It is not in my power to alter it; and were it, I'd not do so. This manner of thinking you find fault with is my sole consolation in life; it alleviates all my sufferings in prison, it composes all my pleasures in the world outside, it is dearer to me than life itself. Not my manner of thinking but the manner of thinking of others has been the source of my unhappiness. The reasoning man who scorns the prejudices of simpletons necessarily becoomes the enemy of simpletons; he must expect as much, and laugh at the inevitable. A traveler journeys along a fine road. It has been strewn with traps. Do you say it is the traveler's fault, or that of the scoundrel who lays the traps? If then, as you tell me, they are willing to restore my liberty if I am willing to pay for it by the sacrifice of my principles or my tastes, we may bid one another an eternal adieu, for rather than part with those, I would sacrifice a thousand lives and a thousand liberties, if I had them. These principles and these tastes, I am their fanatic adherent; and fanaticism in me is the product of the persecutions I have endured from my tyrants. The longer they continue their vexations, the deeper they root my principles in my heart, and I openly declare that no one need ever talk to me of liberty if it is offered to me only in return for their destruction.

-The Marquis de Sade
svperstar

Me, I'm the One

2009-11-20T07:39:00.000-08:00

Me, I'm the one,
I'm the one of all the rest won't die.
Ill live through it.
Ill go home.
The band will play.
And ill be there to hear it.

-ray bradbury, "the drummer boy of shiloh"
svperstar

Fair Trial for KSM?

2009-11-18T04:33:00.000-08:00

Did you know that John Adams was the defense attorney for one of the British soldiers involved in the Boston Massacre, when British soldiers murdered innocent American colonials.

Was he damned as anti-American? What did his fellow Americans think?

I ask these questions because I want to know how the American people really feel about our Constitution. KSM was the master-mind behind the 9.11.2001 attacks on NYC and DC. He is going to be tried in NYC. Do you think all of this talk about we are going to convict him and kill him is right? If we know we are going to convict him, prior to looking at the evidence, then is the trial worth having? What do you think about the attorney that defends KSM? Is he anti-American for taking this job or is he doing as one of our great forefathers, John Adams, did, and providing a service to a piece of shit under our precious Constitution?

These are some interesting things to ponder.

The U.S. Army: In Need of a Mirror

2009-11-17T14:08:00.000-08:00

The rampage at Fort Hood has prompted officials at the highest level of our government to conduct various investigations about the Army, its high ranking officials, protocols in place currently, etc.

The second-highest ranking officer in the Army stated blatantly, today, that he believes that others like Hasan might be within the ranks of the Army. Let us hope that he is incorrect, but sadly, I do not think he is.

This brings me to a point I have long voiced.

The US Army needs to take a long step back from where we are now and look at itself, its policies, deployment cycles, etc. A mirror if you will: something; the Army needs to take a look at itself and the people that comprise her at every level. In no way are the actions of Hasan explained because of some cycle or protocol the Army has. However, it highlights two things:

1. the rapid deployment rates of soldiers.
2. the psychological state/effects of this 8 year old war.

The Army DESPERATELY needs to figure out some new form of deployment cycle to ease the pain on its soldiers and their families. Soldiers are reporting their families are falling apart and their wives are leaving them. Who can honestly blame them? When you're gone for 3 years... How are you supposed to have a real relationship? Its something that I have been thinking about lately and that alot of soldiers are not only thinking about, but "living" with.

The Army's failure to create some sort of deployment cycle that is fairer has resulted in the 2,000 active duty CPT (O-3) and 4,000 MAJ (O-4) rank shortages. These would-be "rank fillers" have done their 4-5 years on active duty and gotten out.

Why?

Why the hell would you stay in? When you have spent 2 of your 4 or 2-3 of your 5 in a war zone... Its just not the life many want to live when you have a college degree and you are an American. I have a bachelors and a masters degree. I want to be a civilian again someday. When, I do not know. But I will say this. The Army will get another 5.5 years out of me active duty for sure, but if I am thrown into the mix with all these other fine soldiers that are getting tossed around like _______ and deployed non-stop, then I will be getting the hell out when my time is up and no sign-on or promotion will keep me in. Fuck it. I am not losing my family/fiance' because of a career.

Civilian life is too lucrative and nice.

I hope President Obama will end this war soon and NOT commit more troops to a failing war, and ultimately, failed state. Its like pouring a bottle of Patron into a shot glass with a small hole in the bottom of it. No matter how much you pour into it, eventually, you are just wasting a valuable commodity. The problem isn't with the Patron, its with the condition of where you are pouring it. The same is the case for the war in Afghanistan. Pouring soldiers into a failed state, no matter how many, is a means that will never effect the dismal end.

A poll today showed that Afghanistan has fallen to 2nd lowest on the poll of the most corrupt countries/governments in the world; only beaten by the anarchist society of Somalia. And Republicans still want to pour the most precious commodity our nation has into it...??? It blows my mind. I hope our Leader and his men make the right decision. By virtue of their decision, if its consistent with ending this failed war, then the Army can refocus its mission and protocol regarding soldiers mental health and family problems.

The Army needs to take a look in the mirror and see how thin it is stretched. How fatigued and worn those that have been deployed multiple times are. How low their morale is. How its not about "serving your country" anymore; rather, its about getting the fuck out of the shit-hole you are in and back to your wife/girlfriend/family, hoping they are still there when you get back. I think that the rampage by Hasan has caused the Army to look at itself and the psychological state of its soldiers and what this 8 year war which has shown nothing positive, has caused our nation's heroes.

Support America and our military. Call your Congressmen and tell them to pressure President Obama to end the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

How long will it take before the American people open their eyes and realize some of us are fighting in a cycle that, unless is changed, will go on forever. Moreover, you (the civilian taxpayer) are incurring a monstrous bill that your great-grand children will be toting around for their entire lives. When will the American people open their eyes enough to elect REAL MEN that will go to Congress and actually come through with what they promise on the campaign trail? I am ready for a bunch of Congressmen that say, "i will end the war," to get to Congress and vote to NOT FUND requests for more money used to carry the on the fight. Congress gives money to these wars. When will our leaders say enough is enough and tell the military; your ticket has run out. The American people are tired of throwing their money into a pissing well (Afghanistan). Everyone hates to think about this but if it comes down to this, then so be it. War is a terrible thing. And a terrible thing even when it is needed and justified. But how horrendous and tragic a reality it is when war is fought as a result of bad decision. Moreover, when said war is prolonged, funded, and re-funded because its safer and easier to carry it on than do what is right and admit it's fault and end it.

America.

Open your eyes.

Coke

2009-11-17T07:51:00.001-08:00

What's great about this country is that America started the tradition where the richest consumers buy essentially the same things as the poorest. You can be watching TV and see Coca Cola, and you know that the President drinks Coca Cola, Liz Taylor drinks Coca Cola, and just think, you can drink Coca Cola, too. A coke is a coke and no amount of money can get you a better coke than the one the bum on the corner is drinking. All the cokes are the same and all the cokes are good. Liz Taylor knows it, the President knows it, the bum knows it, and you know it.

the best and worst things in the world. "ism's"

2009-11-16T17:23:00.000-08:00

These are the best and worst things in the world. Can you beat or add anything to my list of "ism's"?

bilingualism, cannibalism, capitalism, centralism, colonialism, commercialism, dualism, emotionalism, entrepreneurialism, environmentalism, evangelism, factionalism, fatalism, federalism, feudalism, formalism, fundamentalism, gradualism, imperialism, incrementalism, individualism, intellectualism, internationalism, journalism, legalism, liberalism, materialism, mercantilism, metabolism, minimalism, moralism, multiculturalism, multilateralism, mutualism, nationalism, naturalism, neutralism, parochialism, pastoralism, paternalism, pluralism, populism, professionalism, provincialism, racialism, radicalism, sensationalism, socialism, supernaturalism, symbolism, territorialism, vandalism, abolitionism, absenteeism, absolutism, activism, adventurism, agrarianism, altruism, amateurism, anachronism, aneurism, animism, antagonism, aphorism, astigmatism, atavism, atheism, authoritarianism, autism, baptism, barbarism, bolshevism, boosterism, catechism, chauvinism, classicism, collectivism, communism, conservatism, consumerism, corporatism, counterterrorism, creationism, criticism, cronyism, cubism, cynicism, dandyism, defeatism, deism, despotism, determinism, diamagnetism, diastrophism, dimorphism, dogmatism, Druidism, dwarfism, dynamism, egalitarianism, egoism, egotism, electromagnetism, elitism, empiricism, ergotism, eroticism, escapism, ethnocentrism, euphemism, expansionism, expressionism, extremism, fanaticism, fascism, favoritism, feminism, ferromagnetism, fetishism, futurism, geotropism, gnosticism, hedonism, helotism, heroism, hooliganism, humanism, hypnotism, illusionism, impressionism, interventionism, Irredentism, isolationism, isomorphism, jingoism, leftism, lesbianism, lyricism, magnetism, mannerism, masochism, mechanism, mesmerism, methodism, microorganism, militarism, modernism, monasticism, monetarism, monism, monotheism, mysticism, narcissism, nativism, negativism, nepotism, nihilism, obstructionism, opportunism, optimism, organism, ostracism, overoptimism, pacifism, paganism, parkinsonism, patriotism, perfectionism, pessimism, pharisaism, pietism, plagiarism, polymorphism, polytheism, positivism, pragmatism, protectionism, puritanism, racism, recidivism, relativism, republicanism, revisionism, rheumatism, romanticism, sadism, satanism, sectarianism, secularism, separatism, sexism, skepticism, statism, stoicism, synergism, terrorism, theism, tokenism, totalitarianism, tourism, truism, unionism, vegetarianism, vigilantism, voluntarism, volunteerism, voyeurism.

ok im tired of typing.

Jacques Derrida and Deconstruction

2009-11-16T17:06:00.000-08:00

These are the four principles (broken-down) of deconstruction, the philosophy of Derrida. This is a way to think about things and we see Derrida's genius in this form of deconstructive logic and reasoning. I hope this helps better explain a very complex philosophy on thought and meta-physics.

1. Rejection of the law of the excluded middle
2. Perfect communication is impossible – meaning is not absolute.
3. non-self-identity: author’s intentions don’t match meaning in works
4. complexity: excluded middle forces model of simplicity onto a complex world

This is, honestly, as "broken-down" I can possibly figure out how to make sense of Derrida. Definitely, one of the most brilliant minds of our time. If you think you are intelligent, just go out and buy one of Derrida's books on deconstruction. You will feel like a royal idiot after about, oh, page 8.

Maintenance Management Operations

2009-11-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

- the purpose of army maintenance is to regenerate combat power.

-FMC = fully mission capable
-NMC = non mission capable

-Maintenance Expenditure Limit (MEL)
(this is like insurance)

-Army Oil Analysis Program (AOAP)
monitors lubricants for the presence of contaminants, abrasive wear and tear, and the review of prescribed physical properties.

-AOAP is performed on: aircraft, locomotives, watercraft, combat and support equipment.

-Unit Level Logistics Ground (ULLS-G)
manages unit level maintenance and supply CLASS 4 for companies.

-Standard Army Maintenance System (SAMS-1)
manages maintenance and supply CLASS 2, 3, P, 4, and 9 for maintenance company ops.
*this is at the BTN level
*always in your shop

-Modularity = foundation for building a campaign quality army with joint and expeditionary capabilities. it enhances the army's ability to rapidly respond to a wide range of global contingencies. (to produce more combat power for combat commanders.)

-OD Corps Maintenance Concepts: 2 levels of Maintenance
FIELD MAINTENANCE - (on system) Replace/Repair/Return-to-User
SUSTAINMENT MAINTENANCE - (off system) Repair/Return-to-Stock

*Field Maintenance - "On System" tailored maintenance replacing components & returning to the user. REPLACE! (provides field main't.)

*Sustainment Maintenance - "Off System" repair components, assemblies, and modules returning them to the supply system. REPAIR! (restock to supply)

-Brigade Support Battalion = provides distribution-based, centrally-managed, combat service support (CSS) to the STRYKER BCT to sustain its operational employment in joint contingencies.

-Field Maintenance Company = provide maintenance to the BCT and specifically to the BSB and the BTB. It also provides limited reinforcing/back-up support to the FSC's.

-Forward Support Company (Maneuver BN)
*Field Maintenance Platoon - during combat, 1st priority is to reinforce the FMT's mission.

-Component Repair Company = perform SUSTAINMENT MAINTENANCE on components and return them to the supply system, based on a directed workload from the MMC/DMC.

-Collection and Classification Company = establish and operate a collection and classification facility. Perform the duties of receive, inspect, segregate, and disassemble serviceable and unserviceable components of Class 7 and 9. (Sustainment Main't.)

Ordnance MOS's:
-91 E = machinist (former 44E)
-91 F = small arms/artillery repairer (former 45B)
-91 G = fire control repairer (former 45G)
-91 C = Utilities Equipment Repairer (former 52C)
-91 D = Power Generation Equipment Repairer (former 52D)
-91 H = Track Vehicle Repairer (former 63H)
-91 P = Artillery Mechanic (former 63D)
-91 M = Bradley Fighting Vehicle System Maintainer (former 63M)
-94 E = COMSEC Repairer: performs/supervises direct & general support (DS/GS) level main't. of radio receivers, transmitters, COMSEC equipment, controlled cryptographic iteams (CCI), and other associated equipment.

*know difference between Artillery Mechanic (91P) and BFVSM (91M).

-91 J and 91 C merge with 91 C 30 when they reach the rank of E-6.

-Preventive Maintenance Checks & Services (PMCS) = is the care, servicing, inspection, detection, and correction of minor faults before these faults cause serious damage, failure, or injury. The procedure & the category of main't. to perform PMCS are found in -10 and -20 equipment technical manuals & lubrication orders.

-WHY PMCS?
*maintain unit readiness, ID & correct equipment faults, determine FMC vs. NMC, perform required services, ensures early detection of faults, anticipates main't. requirements, army regulation directed.

*a command maintenance program ensures that all vehicles & equipment receive thorough weekly inspections.

-TM XX-10/XX-20 [Maintenance Standard]
*FMC
-faults ID'ed using PMCS tables
-on-hand parts installed/main't. complete
-required parts are on valid requisition
-higher main't. on valid work request
*all services performed
*all urgent Modification Work Orders (MWOs) are applied
*all Basic Issue Items (BII)/Components of End Items (COEI) on-hand and serviceable or on a valid requisition.

-Fault Status symbology:
X = NMC
Circled X = indicate a deficiency, but can be mission-capable if the commander authorizes it.
/ = indicated a meterial defect other than a deficiency that has to be corrected for item to be FMC.
- = inspection, check, or MWO is due, but not yet accomplished.
MJD = initials indicate that an item has been verified or corrected.

-Fluid Leakage = Operation is allowable with CLASS 1 or 2 leakage except for brake system.

PMCS Process - the clerk updates the 5988-E.

Teenage Angel

2009-11-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

she's in love but she doesn't know what she
needs or how to let go. it feels like being
married, she was too young to miscarry.
she says, "bye bye my childhood dream man
i will keep in touch if i can spent the best
years of my life with you!" happens every time
you start to lose yourself you turn to blame
the one that loves you the most, to stay and
work it out is harder than to run away so
she leaves a note because to his face she
couldn't say, "bye bye my teenage angel i
don't know how the spell was broken. i don't
know what i'm doing but i'll miss you!"

-ADDICT

dust

2009-11-15T12:52:00.000-08:00

I just lost my best friend. I miss you so much I wish my life would end. I cannot get up from down here. I cried until dust appeared. I'm trying to let go. But it hurts like I've never been hurt before. And it feels like ill never smile again. I cannot sleep without you there. All I wanted was to be with you everywhere. Let me quietly fade away. The best part of me left today. I'm trying to let go. But it hurts like I've never hurt before. And it feels like ill never smile again.

-ADDICT

Post-Modern Rock

2009-11-14T20:19:00.001-08:00

I envision a new, revised form of modern rock. Let us call it "post-modern rock."

It shall take on these characteristics, to a greater or lesser degree.

-is not simply a repudiation of modernism or its continuation, but has aspects of both a break and an extension
-is, on some level and in some way, ironic
-does not respect boundaries between sonorities and procedures of the past and of the present
-challenges barriers between 'high' and 'low' styles
-shows disdain for the often unquestioned value of structural unity
-questions the mutual exclusivity of elitist and populist values
-avoids totalizing forms (e.g., does not want entire pieces to be tonal or serial or cast in a prescribed formal mold)
-considers music not as autonomous but as relevant to cultural, social, and political contexts
-includes quotations of or references to music of many traditions and cultures
-considers technology not only as a way to preserve and transmit music but also as deeply implicated in the production and essence of music
-suffices a succinct level of nihilism
-embraces contradictions
-distrusts binary oppositions
-includes fragmentations and discontinuities
-encompasses pluralism and eclecticism
-presents multiple meanings and multiple temporalities
-locates meaning and even structure in listeners, more than in scores, performances, or composers

these are just some of the facets i believe "post-modern" rock should embrace.

Nihilism

2009-11-13T21:01:00.000-08:00

Nihilism is the belief that all values are baseless and that nothing can be known or communicated. It is often associated with extreme pessimism and a radical skepticism that condemns existence. A true nihilist would believe in nothing, have no loyalties, and no purpose other than, perhaps, an impulse to destroy. While few philosophers would claim to be nihilists, nihilism is most often associated with Friedrich Nietzsche who argued that its corrosive effects would eventually destroy all moral, religious, and metaphysical convictions and precipitate the greatest crisis in human history. In the 20th century, nihilistic themes–epistemological failure, value destruction, and cosmic purposelessness–have preoccupied artists, social critics, and philosophers. Mid-century, for example, the existentialists helped popularize tenets of nihilism in their attempts to blunt its destructive potential. By the end of the century, existential despair as a response to nihilism gave way to an attitude of indifference, often associated with antifoundationalism.

Let us now look to the origins of nihilism.

“Nihilism” comes from the Latin nihil, or nothing, which means not anything, that which does not exist. It appears in the verb “annihilate,” meaning to bring to nothing, to destroy completely. Early in the nineteenth century, Friedrich Jacobi used the word to negatively characterize transcendental idealism. It only became popularized, however, after its appearance in Ivan Turgenev’s novel Fathers and Sons (1862) where he used “nihilism” to describe the crude scientism espoused by his character Bazarov who preaches a creed of total negation.

In Russia, nihilism became identified with a loosely organized revolutionary movement (C.1860-1917) that rejected the authority of the state, church, and family. In his early writing, anarchist leader Mikhael Bakunin (1814-1876) composed the notorious entreaty still identified with nihilism: “Let us put our trust in the eternal spirit which destroys and annihilates only because it is the unsearchable and eternally creative source of all life–the passion for destruction is also a creative passion!” (Reaction in Germany, 1842). The movement advocated a social arrangement based on rationalism and materialism as the sole source of knowledge and individual freedom as the highest goal. By rejecting man’s spiritual essence in favor of a solely materialistic one, nihilists denounced God and religious authority as antithetical to freedom. The movement eventually deteriorated into an ethos of subversion, destruction, and anarchy, and by the late 1870s, a nihilist was anyone associated with clandestine political groups advocating terrorism and assassination.

The earliest philosophical positions associated with what could be characterized as a nihilistic outlook are those of the Skeptics. Because they denied the possibility of certainty, Skeptics could denounce traditional truths as unjustifiable opinions. When Demosthenes (c.371-322 BC), for example, observes that “What he wished to believe, that is what each man believes” (Olynthiac), he posits the relational nature of knowledge. Extreme skepticism, then, is linked to epistemological nihilism which denies the possibility of knowledge and truth; this form of nihilism is currently identified with postmodern antifoundationalism. Nihilism, in fact, can be understood in several different ways. Political Nihilism, as noted, is associated with the belief that the destruction of all existing political, social, and religious order is a prerequisite for any future improvement. Ethical nihilism or moral nihilism rejects the possibility of absolute moral or ethical values. Instead, good and evil are nebulous, and values addressing such are the product of nothing more than social and emotive pressures. Existential nihilism is the notion that life has no intrinsic meaning or value, and it is, no doubt, the most commonly used and understood sense of the word today.

Max Stirner’s (1806-1856) attacks on systematic philosophy, his denial of absolutes, and his rejection of abstract concepts of any kind often places him among the first philosophical nihilists. For Stirner, achieving individual freedom is the only law; and the state, which necessarily imperils freedom, must be destroyed. Even beyond the oppression of the state, though, are the constraints imposed by others because their very existence is an obstacle compromising individual freedom. Thus Stirner argues that existence is an endless “war of each against all” (The Ego and its Own, trans. 1907).

Friedrich Nietzsche and Nihilism

Among philosophers, Friedrich Nietzsche is most often associated with nihilism. For Nietzsche, there is no objective order or structure in the world except what we give it. Penetrating the façades buttressing convictions, the nihilist discovers that all values are baseless and that reason is impotent. “Every belief, every considering something-true,” Nietzsche writes, “is necessarily false because there is simply no true world” (Will to Power [notes from 1883-1888]). For him, nihilism requires a radical repudiation of all imposed values and meaning: “Nihilism is . . . not only the belief that everything deserves to perish; but one actually puts one’s shoulder to the plough; one destroys” (Will to Power).

The caustic strength of nihilism is absolute, Nietzsche argues, and under its withering scrutiny “the highest values devalue themselves. The aim is lacking, and ‘Why’ finds no answer” (Will to Power). Inevitably, nihilism will expose all cherished beliefs and sacrosanct truths as symptoms of a defective Western mythos. This collapse of meaning, relevance, and purpose will be the most destructive force in history, constituting a total assault on reality and nothing less than the greatest crisis of humanity:

What I relate is the history of the next two centuries. I describe what is coming, what can no longer come differently: the advent of nihilism. . . . For some time now our whole European culture has been moving as toward a catastrophe, with a tortured tension that is growing from decade to decade: restlessly, violently, headlong, like a river that wants to reach the end. . . . (Will to Power)Since Nietzsche’s compelling critique, nihilistic themes–epistemological failure, value destruction, and cosmic purposelessness–have preoccupied artists, social critics, and philosophers. Convinced that Nietzsche’s analysis was accurate, for example, Oswald Spengler in The Decline of the West (1926) studied several cultures to confirm that patterns of nihilism were indeed a conspicuous feature of collapsing civilizations. In each of the failed cultures he examines, Spengler noticed that centuries-old religious, artistic, and political traditions were weakened and finally toppled by the insidious workings of several distinct nihilistic postures: the Faustian nihilist “shatters the ideals”; the Apollinian nihilist “watches them crumble before his eyes”; and the Indian nihilist “withdraws from their presence into himself.” Withdrawal, for instance, often identified with the negation of reality and resignation advocated by Eastern religions, is in the West associated with various versions of epicureanism and stoicism. In his study, Spengler concludes that Western civilization is already in the advanced stages of decay with all three forms of nihilism working to undermine epistemological authority and ontological grounding.

In 1927, Martin Heidegger, to cite another example, observed that nihilism in various and hidden forms was already “the normal state of man” (The Question of Being). Other philosophers’ predictions about nihilism’s impact have been dire. Outlining the symptoms of nihilism in the 20th century, Helmut Thielicke wrote that “Nihilism literally has only one truth to declare, namely, that ultimately Nothingness prevails and the world is meaningless” (Nihilism: Its Origin and Nature, with a Christian Answer, 1969). From the nihilist’s perspective, one can conclude that life is completely amoral, a conclusion, Thielicke believes, that motivates such monstrosities as the Nazi reign of terror. Gloomy predictions of nihilism’s impact are also charted in Eugene Rose’s Nihilism: The Root of the Revolution of the Modern Age (1994). If nihilism proves victorious–and it’s well on its way, he argues–our world will become “a cold, inhuman world” where “nothingness, incoherence, and absurdity” will triumph.

Existential Nihilism

While nihilism is often discussed in terms of extreme skepticism and relativism, for most of the 20th century it has been associated with the belief that life is meaningless. Existential nihilism begins with the notion that the world is without meaning or purpose. Given this circumstance, existence itself–all action, suffering, and feeling–is ultimately senseless and empty.

In The Dark Side: Thoughts on the Futility of Life (1994), Alan Pratt demonstrates that existential nihilism, in one form or another, has been a part of the Western intellectual tradition from the beginning. The Skeptic Empedocles’ observation that “the life of mortals is so mean a thing as to be virtually un-life,” for instance, embodies the same kind of extreme pessimism associated with existential nihilism. In antiquity, such profound pessimism may have reached its apex with Hegesis. Because miseries vastly outnumber pleasures, happiness is impossible, the philosopher argues, and subsequently advocates suicide. Centuries later during the Renaissance, William Shakespeare eloquently summarized the existential nihilist’s perspective when, in this famous passage near the end of Macbeth, he has Macbeth pour out his disgust for life:

Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more; it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
In the twentieth century, it’s the atheistic existentialist movement, popularized in France in the 1940s and 50s, that is responsible for the currency of existential nihilism in the popular consciousness. Jean-Paul Sartre’s (1905-1980) defining preposition for the movement, “existence precedes essence,” rules out any ground or foundation for establishing an essential self or a human nature. When we abandon illusions, life is revealed as nothing; and for the existentialists, nothingness is the source of not only absolute freedom but also existential horror and emotional anguish. Nothingness reveals each individual as an isolated being “thrown” into an alien and unresponsive universe, barred forever from knowing why yet required to invent meaning. It’s a situation that’s nothing short of absurd. Writing from the enlightened perspective of the absurd, Albert Camus (1913-1960) observed that Sisyphus’ plight, condemned to eternal, useless struggle, was a superb metaphor for human existence (The Myth of Sisyphus, 1942).

The common thread in the literature of the existentialists is coping with the emotional anguish arising from our confrontation with nothingness, and they expended great energy responding to the question of whether surviving it was possible. Their answer was a qualified “Yes,” advocating a formula of passionate commitment and impassive stoicism. In retrospect, it was an anecdote tinged with desperation because in an absurd world there are absolutely no guidelines, and any course of action is problematic. Passionate commitment, be it to conquest, creation, or whatever, is itself meaningless. Enter nihilism.

Camus, like the other existentialists, was convinced that nihilism was the most vexing problem of the twentieth century. Although he argues passionately that individuals could endure its corrosive effects, his most famous works betray the extraordinary difficulty he faced building a convincing case. In The Stranger (1942), for example, Meursault has rejected the existential suppositions on which the uninitiated and weak rely. Just moments before his execution for a gratuitous murder, he discovers that life alone is reason enough for living, a raison d’être, however, that in context seems scarcely convincing. In Caligula (1944), the mad emperor tries to escape the human predicament by dehumanizing himself with acts of senseless violence, fails, and surreptitiously arranges his own assassination. The Plague (1947) shows the futility of doing one’s best in an absurd world. And in his last novel, the short and sardonic, The Fall (1956), Camus posits that everyone has bloody hands because we are all responsible for making a sorry state worse by our inane action and inaction alike. In these works and other works by the existentialists, one is often left with the impression that living authentically with the meaninglessness of life is impossible.

Camus was fully aware of the pitfalls of defining existence without meaning, and in his philosophical essay The Rebel (1951) he faces the problem of nihilism head-on. In it, he describes at length how metaphysical collapse often ends in total negation and the victory of nihilism, characterized by profound hatred, pathological destruction, and incalculable violence and death.

Antifoundationalism and Nihilism

By the late 20th century, “nihilism” had assumed two different castes. In one form, “nihilist” is used to characterize the postmodern man, a dehumanized conformist, alienated, indifferent, and baffled, directing psychological energy into hedonistic narcissism or into a deep ressentiment that often explodes in violence. This perspective is derived from the existentialists’ reflections on nihilism stripped of any hopeful expectations, leaving only the experience of sickness, decay, and disintegration.

In his study of meaninglessness, Donald Crosby writes that the source of modern nihilism paradoxically stems from a commitment to honest intellectual openness. “Once set in motion, the process of questioning could come to but one end, the erosion of conviction and certitude and collapse into despair” (The Specter of the Absurd, 1988). When sincere inquiry is extended to moral convictions and social consensus, it can prove deadly, Crosby continues, promoting forces that ultimately destroy civilizations. Michael Novak’s recently revised The Experience of Nothingness (1968, 1998) tells a similar story. Both studies are responses to the existentialists’ gloomy findings from earlier in the century. And both optimistically discuss ways out of the abyss by focusing of the positive implications nothingness reveals, such as liberty, freedom, and creative possibilities. Novak, for example, describes how since WWII we have been working to “climb out of nihilism” on the way to building a new civilization.

In contrast to the efforts to overcome nihilism noted above is the uniquely postmodern response associated with the current antifoundationalists. The philosophical, ethical, and intellectual crisis of nihilism that has tormented modern philosophers for over a century has given way to mild annoyance or, more interestingly, an upbeat acceptance of meaninglessness.

French philosopher Jean-Francois Lyotard characterizes postmodernism as an “incredulity toward metanarratives,” those all-embracing foundations that we have relied on to make sense of the world. This extreme skepticism has undermined intellectual and moral hierarchies and made “truth” claims, transcendental or transcultural, problematic. Postmodern antifoundationalists, paradoxically grounded in relativism, dismiss knowledge as relational and “truth” as transitory, genuine only until something more palatable replaces it (reminiscent of William James’ notion of “cash value”). The critic Jacques Derrida, for example, asserts that one can never be sure that what one knows corresponds with what is. Since human beings participate in only an infinitesimal part of the whole, they are unable to grasp anything with certainty, and absolutes are merely “fictional forms.”

American antifoundationalist Richard Rorty makes a similar point: “Nothing grounds our practices, nothing legitimizes them, nothing shows them to be in touch with the way things are” (”From Logic to Language to Play,” 1986). This epistemological cul-de-sac, Rorty concludes, leads inevitably to nihilism. “Faced with the nonhuman, the nonlinguistic, we no longer have the ability to overcome contingency and pain by appropriation and transformation, but only the ability to recognize contingency and pain” (Contingency, Irony, and Solidarity, 1989). In contrast to Nietzsche’s fears and the angst of the existentialists, nihilism becomes for the antifoundationalists just another aspect of our contemporary milieu, one best endured with sang-froid.

In The Banalization of Nihilism (1992) Karen Carr discusses the antifoundationalist response to nihilism. Although it still inflames a paralyzing relativism and subverts critical tools, “cheerful nihilism” carries the day, she notes, distinguished by an easy-going acceptance of meaninglessness. Such a development, Carr concludes, is alarming. If we accept that all perspectives are equally non-binding, then intellectual or moral arrogance will determine which perspective has precedence. Worse still, the banalization of nihilism creates an environment where ideas can be imposed forcibly with little resistance, raw power alone determining intellectual and moral hierarchies. It’s a conclusion that dovetails nicely with Nietzsche’s, who pointed out that all interpretations of the world are simply manifestations of will-to-power.

Conclusion

It has been over a century now since Nietzsche explored nihilism and its implications for civilization. As he predicted, nihilism’s impact on the culture and values of the 20th century has been pervasive, its apocalyptic tenor spawning a mood of gloom and a good deal of anxiety, anger, and terror. Interestingly, Nietzsche himself, a radical skeptic preoccupied with language, knowledge, and truth, anticipated many of the themes of postmodernity. It’s helpful to note, then, that he believed we could–at a terrible price–eventually work through nihilism. If we survived the process of destroying all interpretations of the world, we could then perhaps discover the correct course for humankind:

I praise, I do not reproach, [nihilism's] arrival. I believe it is one of the greatest crises, a moment of the deepest self-reflection of humanity. Whether man recovers from it, whether he becomes master of this crisis, is a question of his strength. It is possible. . . . (Complete Works Vol. 13)

Rock and Roll and Nihilism: The Undeniable Knot

2009-11-13T20:28:00.000-08:00

lately, i have noticed the undeniable relation of rock and roll and nihilism. let us look the definition of nihilism before moving along further.

Nihilism is the belief that all values are baseless and that nothing can be known or communicated. It is often associated with extreme pessimism and a radical skepticism that condemns existence. A true nihilist would believe in nothing, have no loyalties, and no purpose other than, perhaps, an impulse to destroy. While few philosophers would claim to be nihilists, nihilism is most often associated with Friedrich Nietzsche who argued that its corrosive effects would eventually destroy all moral, religious, and metaphysical convictions and precipitate the greatest crisis in human history. In the 20th century, nihilistic themes–epistemological failure, value destruction, and cosmic purposelessness–have preoccupied artists, social critics, and philosophers. Mid-century, for example, the existentialists helped popularize tenets of nihilism in their attempts to blunt its destructive potential. By the end of the century, existential despair as a response to nihilism gave way to an attitude of indifference, often associated with antifoundationalism.

This is the definition provided via Webster online. Nihilism postures the stance that there is no inherent meaning or purpose to life. Essentially, that there is not innate meaning or hope to life. It is a very depressing and hopeless theory on existence. think of existentialism being "existence over essence" and nihilism being the abrupt and direct rejection of any purpose to existence. if existentialism is the advocacy of life being objectively meaningless, then nihilism is the denial of absolutely any point in existence beyond even subjectivity, which existentialism is writ in. the latter being steeped in relativism, posturing an individual can find meaning in his or her existence. nihilism refuting any and all meaning in life.

to virtually everyone, this seems depressing and, on all accounts is. in fact, if we look at the pioneer of this philosophy on life, nietzsche, we see what his beliefs ultimately led him to. nietzsche was in the streets one day and witnessed a horse being abused and had a mental breakdown, losing his mind and spending the remainder of his days on earth in a disoriented state, void of any ability to coherently speak or write anything; a far cry from his psychological state prior to this occurrence. many philosophers and scholars have asserted that his hopeless philosophy of nihilism played apart into his mental demise.

while such a direct relationship might not be directly correlated to rock and roll music, i have determined that there is a direct relationship between nihilism and rock and roll. this relationship has been intact since the onset of metal and rock and roll. from back to the days when "turn the page" was penned, and arguably before that, musicians have been notoriously and blatantly lamenting loss of love, life, and hope via their music. artists from all spectrums of rock are included here. musicians from alanis morrisette to marilyn manson to slipknot to matchbox 20 to the goo goo dolls all fit the bill here. while some have a more blatant subscription to nihilistic thought than others, the relationship still manifests itself in the hopelessness writ in the lyrical make-up of many of these artists' songs.

a hit by alanis morrisette "ironic" perfectly fits the bill here. "its like rain on your wedding day; its a free ride when you've already paid.. its the good advice that you just didnt take... and who would've thought... it figures.. a no smoking sign on your cigarette, a death-row pardon.. two minutes too late.. isnt it ironic." while many hear this song as a mid-tempo rocker on contemporary adult rock stations, the lyrics are anything but "contemporary" or uplifting. take "iris," a world-wide hit by one of my favorite bands, the goo goo dolls. "you bleed just to know you're alive.... when everything is made to be broken... i just want you to know who i am.." these lyrics, while far more mild than marilyn manson or slipknot, still attest to the hopelessness writ in the mind of these songs' authors.

i believe that, while nihilism ultimately leads to one of two things: degenerative mental psychosis (as in the case of german philosopher nietzsche) or suicide; is an integral facet to rock and roll. many readers of my blog might take this as nihilistic in nature, and so be it. i posture that this element of hopelessness is a precipice from which great rock songs are penned. the element of sadness, the end, or hopelessness is what makes these songs so .... human, if you will. while these songs can be depressing and down-trodden, they are what they are; epitaphs from the broken souls of fucked up people, that just happen to be ungodly talented in the musical realm.

perhaps we can better understand the relation between nihilism and rock and roll if we adhere to a mild form of deconstructivism. let us imagine rock and roll void of lamentation. let us envision songs written from a happy, go-lucky precipice. would it be then, as genuine and authentic? perhaps, depending on who you ask. as for me, and the vast majority of staunch musical critics; the answer is, "no." you simply cant divorce nihilism and subjectivity from rock and roll. for it is the lurking bedrock of lamentation upon which rock and roll songs are penned.

however, a counter argument is this: if everything and life is truly meaningless and worthless, on all accounts, then the ONLY thing to do is commit suicide. for absolutely nothing is worth anything. thus, an individual digressing from the stance of nihilism being closely related to rock and roll could posture that if a musician writes anything; that in and of itself is proof that SOMETHING, if only the misery he/she is in, is "meaningful" to a small degree, if only enough to pen a song.

in conclusion, i have to culminate my post like this: there is really no true, across-the-board nihilistic approach to life. for if there were, then said individual would be resigned to a surefire end: face-down on a suicide. nothing is worth anything and life is totally meaningless so suicide is the only thing left. so technically, yes, someone "could" posture this but it is not mentally sound or philosophically advisable. thus, i believe that nihilism can take forms in other facets of life. for instance, a person can be a moral nihilist. he/she can believe that there is no inherent morality on this earth, thus morality and good and evil are nothing more than a socially-construed entity created by religion or society to control people. nevertheless, i see nihilism, life being meaningless, written all over rock and roll songs. im not sure which form of nihilism this would be, but i am resigned to belief whole-heartedly that nihilism and rock and roll is a match made in hell. yet , one that is in some way, absolutely inseparable. and i dare say, a good inseparable setup.

rock and roll.

REDUCE/DISTILL/DESTROY

2009-11-13T18:38:00.000-08:00

Mountains contain invisible winds
Nourishing sleeping dragons not yet full grown
While wizards above search for an antidote
To poison, with poisons.

Postmodernism

2009-11-13T17:32:00.001-08:00

Postmodernism is a complicated term, or set of ideas, one that has only emerged as an area of academic study since the mid-1980s. Postmodernism is hard to define, because it is a concept that appears in a wide variety of disciplines or areas of study, including art, architecture, music, film, literature, sociology, communications, fashion, and technology. It's hard to locate it temporally or historically, because it's not clear exactly when postmodernism begins.

Perhaps the easiest way to start thinking about postmodernism is by thinking about modernism, the movement from which postmodernism seems to grow or emerge. Modernism has two facets, or two modes of definition, both of which are relevant to understanding postmodernism.

The first facet or definition of modernism comes from the aesthetic movement broadly labeled "modernism." This movement is roughly coterminous with twentieth century Western ideas about art (though traces of it in emergent forms can be found in the nineteenth century as well). Modernism, as you probably know, is the movement in visual arts, music, literature, and drama which rejected the old Victorian standards of how art should be made, consumed, and what it should mean. In the period of "high modernism," from around 1910 to 1930, the major figures of modernism literature helped radically to redefine what poetry and fiction could be and do: figures like Woolf, Joyce, Eliot, Pound, Stevens, Proust, Mallarme, Kafka, and Rilke are considered the founders of twentieth-century modernism.

From a literary perspective, the main characteristics of modernism include:

1. an emphasis on impressionism and subjectivity in writing (and in visual arts as well); an emphasis on HOW seeing (or reading or perception itself) takes place, rather than on WHAT is perceived. An example of this would be stream-of-consciousness writing.

2. a movement away from the apparent objectivity provided by omniscient third-person narrators, fixed narrative points of view, and clear-cut moral positions. Faulkner's multiply-narrated stories are an example of this aspect of modernism.

3. a blurring of distinctions between genres, so that poetry seems more documentary (as in T.S. Eliot or ee cummings) and prose seems more poetic (as in Woolf or Joyce).

4. an emphasis on fragmented forms, discontinuous narratives, and random-seeming collages of different materials.

5. a tendency toward reflexivity, or self-consciousness, about the production of the work of art, so that each piece calls attention to its own status as a production, as something constructed and consumed in particular ways.

6. a rejection of elaborate formal aesthetics in favor of minimalist designs (as in the poetry of William Carlos Williams) and a rejection, in large part, of formal aesthetic theories, in favor of spontaneity and discovery in creation.

7. A rejection of the distinction between "high" and "low" or popular culture, both in choice of materials used to produce art and in methods of displaying, distributing, and consuming art.

Postmodernism, like modernism, follows most of these same ideas, rejecting boundaries between high and low forms of art, rejecting rigid genre distinctions, emphasizing pastiche, parody, bricolage, irony, and playfulness. Postmodern art (and thought) favors reflexivity and self-consciousness, fragmentation and discontinuity (especially in narrative structures), ambiguity, simultaneity, and an emphasis on the destructured, decentered, dehumanized subject.

But--while postmodernism seems very much like modernism in these ways, it differs from modernism in its attitude toward a lot of these trends. Modernism, for example, tends to present a fragmented view of human subjectivity and history (think of The Wasteland, for instance, or of Woolf's To the Lighthouse), but presents that fragmentation as something tragic, something to be lamented and mourned as a loss. Many modernist works try to uphold the idea that works of art can provide the unity, coherence, and meaning which has been lost in most of modern life; art will do what other human institutions fail to do. Postmodernism, in contrast, doesn't lament the idea of fragmentation, provisionality, or incoherence, but rather celebrates that. The world is meaningless? Let's not pretend that art can make meaning then, let's just play with nonsense.

Another way of looking at the relation between modernism and postmodernism helps to clarify some of these distinctions. According to Frederic Jameson, modernism and postmodernism are cultural formations which accompany particular stages of capitalism. Jameson outlines three primary phases of capitalism which dictate particular cultural practices (including what kind of art and literature is produced). The first is market capitalism, which occurred in the eighteenth through the late nineteenth centuries in Western Europe, England, and the United States (and all their spheres of influence). This first phase is associated with particular technological developments, namely, the steam-driven motor, and with a particular kind of aesthetics, namely, realism. The second phase occurred from the late nineteenth century until the mid-twentieth century (about WWII); this phase, monopoly capitalism, is associated with electric and internal combustion motors, and with modernism. The third, the phase we're in now, is multinational or consumer capitalism (with the emphasis placed on marketing, selling, and consuming commodities, not on producing them), associated with nuclear and electronic technologies, and correlated with postmodernism.

Like Jameson's characterization of postmodernism in terms of modes of production and technologies, the second facet, or definition, of postmodernism comes more from history and sociology than from literature or art history. This approach defines postmodernism as the name of an entire social formation, or set of social/historical attitudes; more precisely,this approach contrasts "postmodernity" with "modernity," rather than "postmodernism" with "modernism."

What's the difference? "Modernism" generally refers to the broad aesthetic movements of the twentieth century; "modernity" refers to a set of philosophical, political, and ethical ideas which provide the basis for the aesthetic aspect of modernism. "Modernity" is older than "modernism;" the label "modern," first articulated in nineteenth-century sociology, was meant to distinguish the present era from the previous one, which was labeled "antiquity." Scholars are always debating when exactly the "modern" period began, and how to distinguish between what is modern and what is not modern; it seems like the modern period starts earlier and earlier every time historians look at it. But generally, the "modern" era is associated with the European Enlightenment, which begins roughly in the middle of the eighteenth century. (Other historians trace elements of enlightenment thought back to the Renaissance or earlier, and one could argue that Enlightenment thinking begins with the eighteenth century. I usually date "modern" from 1750, if only because I got my Ph.D. from a program at Stanford called "Modern Thought and Literature," and that program focused on works written after 1750).

The basic ideas of the Enlightenment are roughly the same as the basic ideas of humanism. Jane Flax's article gives a good summary of these ideas or premises (on p. 41). I'll add a few things to her list.

1. There is a stable, coherent, knowable self. This self is conscious, rational, autonomous, and universal--no physical conditions or differences substantially affect how this self operates.

2. This self knows itself and the world through reason, or rationality, posited as the highest form of mental functioning, and the only objective form.

3. The mode of knowing produced by the objective rational self is "science," which can provide universal truths about the world, regardless of the individual status of the knower.

4. The knowledge produced by science is "truth," and is eternal.

5. The knowledge/truth produced by science (by the rational objective knowing self) will always lead toward progress and perfection. All human institutions and practices can be analyzed by science (reason/objectivity) and improved.

6. Reason is the ultimate judge of what is true, and therefore of what is right, and what is good (what is legal and what is ethical). Freedom consists of obedience to the laws that conform to the knowledge discovered by reason.

7. In a world governed by reason, the true will always be the same as the good and the right (and the beautiful); there can be no conflict between what is true and what is right (etc.).

8. Science thus stands as the paradigm for any and all socially useful forms of knowledge. Science is neutral and objective; scientists, those who produce scientific knowledge through their unbiased rational capacities, must be free to follow the laws of reason, and not be motivated by other concerns (such as money or power).

9. Language, or the mode of expression used in producing and disseminating knowledge, must be rational also. To be rational, language must be transparent; it must function only to represent the real/perceivable world which the rational mind observes. There must be a firm and objective connection between the objects of perception and the words used to name them (between signifier and signified).

These are some of the fundamental premises of humanism, or of modernism. They serve--as you can probably tell--to justify and explain virtually all of our social structures and institutions, including democracy, law, science, ethics, and aesthetics.

Modernity is fundamentally about order: about rationality and rationalization, creating order out of chaos. The assumption is that creating more rationality is conducive to creating more order, and that the more ordered a society is, the better it will function (the more rationally it will function). Because modernity is about the pursuit of ever-increasing levels of order, modern societies constantly are on guard against anything and everything labeled as "disorder," which might disrupt order. Thus modern societies rely on continually establishing a binary opposition between "order" and "disorder," so that they can assert the superiority of "order." But to do this, they have to have things that represent "disorder"--modern societies thus continually have to create/construct "disorder." In western culture, this disorder becomes "the other"--defined in relation to other binary oppositions. Thus anything non-white, non-male, non-heterosexual, non-hygienic, non-rational, (etc.) becomes part of "disorder," and has to be eliminated from the ordered, rational modern society.

The ways that modern societies go about creating categories labeled as "order" or "disorder" have to do with the effort to achieve stability. Francois Lyotard (the theorist whose works Sarup describes in his article on postmodernism) equates that stability with the idea of "totality," or a totalized system (think here of Derrida's idea of "totality" as the wholeness or completeness of a system). Totality, and stability, and order, Lyotard argues, are maintained in modern societies through the means of "grand narratives" or "master narratives," which are stories a culture tells itself about its practices and beliefs. A "grand narrative" in American culture might be the story that democracy is the most enlightened (rational) form of government, and that democracy can and will lead to universal human happiness. Every belief system or ideology has its grand narratives, according to Lyotard; for Marxism, for instance, the "grand narrative" is the idea that capitalism will collapse in on itself and a utopian socialist world will evolve. You might think of grand narratives as a kind of meta-theory, or meta-ideology, that is, an ideology that explains an ideology (as with Marxism); a story that is told to explain the belief systems that exist.

Lyotard argues that all aspects of modern societies, including science as the primary form of knowledge, depend on these grand narratives. Postmodernism then is the critique of grand narratives, the awareness that such narratives serve to mask the contradictions and instabilities that are inherent in any social organization or practice. In other words, every attempt to create "order" always demands the creation of an equal amount of "disorder," but a "grand narrative" masks the constructedness of these categories by explaining that "disorder" REALLY IS chaotic and bad, and that "order" REALLY IS rational and good. Postmodernism, in rejecting grand narratives, favors "mini-narratives," stories that explain small practices, local events, rather than large-scale universal or global concepts. Postmodern "mini-narratives" are always situational, provisional, contingent, and temporary, making no claim to universality, truth, reason, or stability.

Another aspect of Enlightenment thought--the final of my 9 points--is the idea that language is transparent, that words serve only as representations of thoughts or things, and don't have any function beyond that. Modern societies depend on the idea that signifiers always point to signifieds, and that reality resides in signifieds. In postmodernism, however, there are only signifiers. The idea of any stable or permanent reality disappears, and with it the idea of signifieds that signifiers point to. Rather, for postmodern societies, there are only surfaces, without depth; only signifiers, with no signifieds.

Another way of saying this, according to Jean Baudrillard, is that in postmodern society there are no originals, only copies--or what he calls "simulacra." You might think, for example, about painting or sculpture, where there is an original work (by Van Gogh, for instance), and there might also be thousands of copies, but the original is the one with the highest value (particularly monetary value). Contrast that with cds or music recordings, where there is no "original," as in painting--no recording that is hung on a wall, or kept in a vault; rather, there are only copies, by the millions, that are all the same, and all sold for (approximately) the same amount of money. Another version of Baudrillard's "simulacrum" would be the concept of virtual reality, a reality created by simulation, for which there is no original. This is particularly evident in computer games/simulations--think of Sim City, Sim Ant, etc.

Finally, postmodernism is concerned with questions of the organization of knowledge. In modern societies, knowledge was equated with science, and was contrasted to narrative; science was good knowledge, and narrative was bad, primitive, irrational (and thus associated with women, children, primitives, and insane people). Knowledge, however, was good for its own sake; one gained knowledge, via education, in order to be knowledgeable in general, to become an educated person. This is the ideal of the liberal arts education. In a postmodern society, however, knowledge becomes functional--you learn things, not to know them, but to use that knowledge. As Sarup points out (p. 138), educational policy today puts emphasis on skills and training, rather than on a vague humanist ideal of education in general. This is particularly acute for English majors. "What will you DO with your degree?"

Not only is knowledge in postmodern societies characterized by its utility, but knowledge is also distributed, stored, and arranged differently in postmodern societies than in modern ones. Specifically, the advent of electronic computer technologies has revolutionized the modes of knowledge production, distribution, and consumption in our society (indeed, some might argue that postmodernism is best described by, and correlated with, the emergence of computer technology, starting in the 1960s, as the dominant force in all aspects of social life). In postmodern societies, anything which is not able to be translated into a form recognizable and storable by a computer--i.e. anything that's not digitizable--will cease to be knowledge. In this paradigm, the opposite of "knowledge" is not "ignorance," as it is the modern/humanist paradigm, but rather "noise." Anything that doesn't qualify as a kind of knowledge is "noise," is something that is not recognizable as anything within this system.

Lyotard says (and this is what Sarup spends a lot of time explaining) that the important question for postmodern societies is who decides what knowledge is (and what "noise" is), and who knows what needs to be decided. Such decisions about knowledge don't involve the old modern/humanist qualifications: for example, to assess knowledge as truth (its technical quality), or as goodness or justice (its ethical quality) or as beauty (its aesthetic quality). Rather, Lyotard argues, knowledge follows the paradigm of a language game, as laid out by Wittgenstein. I won't go into the details of Wittgenstein's ideas of language games; Sarup gives a pretty good explanation of this concept in his article, for those who are interested.

There are lots of questions to be asked about postmodernism, and one of the most important is about the politics involved--or, more simply, is this movement toward fragmentation, provisionality, performance, and instability something good or something bad? There are various answers to that; in our contemporary society, however, the desire to return to the pre-postmodern era (modern/humanist/Enlightenment thinking) tends to get associated with conservative political, religious, and philosophical groups. In fact, one of the consequences of postmodernism seems to be the rise of religious fundamentalism, as a form of resistance to the questioning of the "grand narratives" of religious truth. This is perhaps most obvious (to us in the US, anyway) in muslim fundamentalism in the Middle East, which ban postmodern books--like Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses --because they deconstruct such grand narratives.

This association between the rejection of postmodernism and conservatism or fundamentalism may explain in part why the postmodern avowal of fragmentation and multiplicity tends to attract liberals and radicals. This is why, in part, feminist theorists have found postmodernism so attractive, as Sarup, Flax, and Butler all point out.

On another level, however, postmodernism seems to offer some alternatives to joining the global culture of consumption, where commodities and forms of knowledge are offered by forces far beyond any individual's control. These alternatives focus on thinking of any and all action (or social struggle) as necessarily local, limited, and partial--but nonetheless effective. By discarding "grand narratives" (like the liberation of the entire working class) and focusing on specific local goals (such as improved day care centers for working mothers in your own community), postmodernist politics offers a way to theorize local situations as fluid and unpredictable, though influenced by global trends. Hence the motto for postmodern politics might well be "think globally, act locally"--and don't worry about any grand scheme or master plan.

hotel room mix

2009-11-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

there is beauty in creating mixtapes.

i have been making mixtapes and mixes on itunes since i first got my own computer back during my freshman year of college. i have probably burned well over 5,000 cds in the past 7-8 years and that is not an exaggeration. ask any of the friends i've had throughout college or anyone that has ridden in my car. for those of us that love music and allow it to circumvent every aspect and facet of our lives, mixtapes are the date which we never have to say goodbye to or take home. a great mixtape tape can stay in your cd player for days or weeks. then, after a long stint in rotation, can find its way into the hands or player of a friend; shedding light on new bands, great songs, soundtracks to memories, etc..

it is from this precipice, i author this entry. as i was showering tonight, i decided that i would try something i have never done before. post the tracklist to a mix i burn. as i returned from the hottub downstairs and came back into my hotel room here, a song by a british band that no one knows about and probably those that do, wrote off as a shitty alternative rock band, was playing.

Band: ADDICT
Song: Teenage Angel

as i walked into the closest thing to home, this side of johnson city, tennessee, "teenage angel" serenaded me like a thousand angels, softly whispering the lamentations of a heart-felt, mid-tempo rocker. i decided moments like this should be shared with at least one other person, regardless of who he/she may be. i share my music with jenny all the time and she, more so than any other girl, has my music on her computer and enjoys it nearly as much as i do. however, i get so much, i rarely am able to go through it with her and give her all the new stuff i have. plus, with our busy schedules, its equally impossible for either of us to give these songs the listen they deserve and discuss their magic. so, aside from the occasion mix i make and give to her, we dont get to enjoy music as much as i would like to. so, i thought this would be a great way for me to post a "creation," if you will, that i made via other musicians masterpieces. playlists are great and say alot about the moment we are in when we author them and breathe them into existence. another interesting thought is this: when you make a mixtape, no other person on the earth has made the exact same setlist as you have.

so, an unknown song by an unknown band gave me this idea of making mixtapes and posting them here on "lost in aurora" and hopefully, someone can see it and take the initiative to get on iTunes or Limewire and give one or all of these songs a listen. then, hopefully, find a new favorite song and band. for me, sharing music is sharing life. music is breathed and created from life's experiences by another person. this makes it the most personal thing between 2 strangers. with that being said... here is a mix i just made and titled "hotel room."

Mixtape: Hotel Room
Mood: Mid-tempo rockers that would play nice in the background as you come home for the evening after a long day, or to just lament the strains of a long, hard day.

1. Cavo - Let It Go
2. Steamline - Navigator
3. Addict - Teenage Angel
4. Adelitas Way - Closer To You
5. Altered Frequency - Running Back To You
6. Addict - Black Hole
7. Pillar - Better Off Now
8. Erik Arimi - Shine Like A Star
9. Dream Life Misery - Before I'm Forgiven
10. The Send - An Epiphany
11. Cavo - Useless
12. Streetside Symphony - That Was Then
13. Goo Goo Dolls - All Eyes On Me
14. Alanis Morrisette - You Learn
15. Another Big Machine - Say Hello
16. The Appearance - Lost In Aurora
17. Armchair Cynics - Can't Sleep
18. Nickelback - Far Away
19. Nine Days - If I Am
20. No Second Troy - Narcotic
21. Vonray - I'll Show You
22. The Wallflowers - The Beautiful Side of Somewhere
23. Green-Eyed Stare - Beautiful (acoustic)

there is no specific reasoning for the sequence of the songs in terms of order. These are just all songs that fit the mood of being played in a hotel room, for me. If you havent heard of some of these bands or songs, I encourage you to check them out. Google the band and their MySpace will definitely yield a positive result. Check them out and enjoy.

My Brief Thoughts on Afghanistan

2009-11-12T18:16:00.000-08:00

President Barack Obama's drawn-out decision-making on Afghanistan is sending messages. To the Afghan government: Clean up your act. To the Pentagon: I'm no rubber stamp. To the American public: More troops can't be the sole answer.

I applaud the President's path in decision-making thus far. Many of my constituents in the military, in all branches, have snickered at our Leader's decision making or lack thereof, depending on who you ask. While I welcome their criticism as should be in the USA, I think that Obama is taking the right steps in order to make the right decision. The idea of merely boosting troop levels in Afghanistan is not the answer and will not cure the problem. This is a fact. Afghanistan is not Iraq. CNN reports from military intelligence officials that there are approximately 100 Al-Qaeda operatives in Pakistan/Afghanistan, residing in the caves on this lawless area of land.

Thus, another question is raised. Who exactly are we fighting? What is our mission? These are questions that desperately need answering PRIOR to sending 40,000 troops to "join the fight." Are we fighting a terrorist network? The Taliban? Is our mission COIN (counterinsurgency) or is it CT (counter terrorism)? If you dont know the difference, then please google these terms and reference THE LONG WAR JOURNAL. There are serious questions that need to be answered before we commit more Americans to this war. It is in its 8th year and the situation is worse now than it ever has been. I am having faith in President Obama and trusting that he will make the right decision. Personally, I think that 100,000 troops will not win this war. No amount of Americans forces here will accomplish what we ultimately desire. The key to "winning" here is quite subjective... What exactly is "winning?" I posture that we remove military occupation of this land and adhere to a more CT approach utilizing predator drones, CIA operatives, and black ops. Statisically, more insurgents have been eliminated by virtue of predator drones operated by Air Force personnel in the USA in an office than have been killed by our troops in country. This is a shocking stat that many Americans simply dont see or know.

This brings me to the culmination of this entry. The problem in this nation is not with those of us in the military and the problems we face as soldiers. It is with the American people's lack of understanding of what sacrifices we make and what needs to be done. The average American doesnt know jack shit about what it is to sacrifice for this nation and how long an effort like this takes to execute. Americans are ignorant of world affairs because they are comfortable in their web of the wonderful lives we live here. I believe that a more educated electorate would yield more support, in the long run, for the efforts we engage ourselves in militarily. I hope President Obama takes in all advice he is given and from it, I am trusting that he will make the best decision. I will do my duty, whatever it may be, and to the best of my ability, regardless. I am proud of the line of work I have chosen and just hope that we are used carefully. After all, we are the sons and daughters of this great nation and are NOT an expendable resource. We are born with a desire and fire called patriotism that is dying within this generation of the numb. God bless the United States of America and all of those fighting in her stead.

the revolution smile

2009-11-12T15:31:00.000-08:00

well, the 2 revolution smile cds i have been trying to find for years suddenly appeared on fred's blog. its a good night. im sure shaun is properly pissed off.

the army .... damn

2009-11-12T09:05:00.000-08:00

Apparently, the army has decided that allowing its personnel on TDY to obtain a slip of paper that let's a hotel bill the army is something of the past... Now, here @ fort lee, we are required to file for an advanced travel request. Then when we get it, they only give us 80 percent.... This sucks because now I have to pay the remaining 20 and then file again to get paid back for it... The army does certain things in the dumbest, ill-thought manner and it pisses me off to no end because it causes its soldiers to suffer in terms of appropriately dealing with other financial obligations.

tranquil dawn

2009-11-12T03:42:00.000-08:00

I'm just sitting here in my car, engine off @ 0641 with my cd player spinning a mix that I burned sometime ago... As I sit here and listen to this and watch it rain, I'm just reminded of how blessed I am. In times such as these, I think about the world, people, the state of affairs in this nation and I just can't help but be thankful for the things I've been blessed with. Its a beautiful rain.

lost in aurora

2009-11-11T18:02:00.000-08:00

A simple lie stuck like glue to my hands

That I was all right

Its nights like these I wonder why we were friends

I don’t know why I gave up like I did

And you don’t know you or anyone

I called you out on the other side of town

Just tell me what you’re thinking

Cause I haven’t seen your face

In what feels like a million days

And love alone is bringing me down

A simple life, spared no expense

It’s a waste of light when looks are everything

My skin just crawls at the thought of you with him

Please take good care of Aurora, my Aurora...

beg

2009-11-10T20:35:00.001-08:00

There's a lit cigarette:in the hand of my new angel
she's blowing smoke like halos, and now everybody wants her
but I shouldn't even bother
because you made me so complete dear, but you left me so alone here
hang a noose for my new sinner somewhere everyone can see it

won't you beg me and then tell me how to love you
like anybody else would
I know you're risking failure (risking failure)
go run for cover (for how long)
you better start to love her so much you're moving on and on

now there's a whole wide world...that wants to know
have cheap hotels lost their turn-on? she's bathing in the neon
and she's polluting all the airways while I'm passed out in the hallway
and you left me so in love here, you left with so much hate dear
was I creating only chaos-this world lives just fine without us:won't you?

beg me and then tell me how to love you
like anybody else would
I know you're risking failure (risking failure)
go run for cover (for how long)
you better start love her so much you're moving on and on

will it change your life if I change my mind?
when she's lit the whole wide world
I want to know if you will beg me and then tell me how to love you
like anybody else would
I know you're risking failure, (risking failure) but I'd hope you set your levels (for how long)
so you can run for cover
you better start to love her
now are we this pathetic? you made me finally see it
(will it change your life when I change my mind, will it change your mind when I change my life)

go run for cover
you better fucking love her so much you're moving on
I'm so pathetic, you made me finally see it
got what you want? I'm gone

for how long? for how long? for how long will it change your life?

Quote

2009-11-10T20:27:00.001-08:00

Quote you are my soul unquote
Now does that sound familar?
Kiss the boy and make him feel this way

Quote well this is me unquote
You have been so ugly you're entire life
So why change now?

Is this how you wanna go down, right before my eyes
You're the saddest sight i know
You're quiet you never make a sound
But here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know

Quote we never talk unquote
And thats when I don't answer
Don't you dare ask why
Because you don't want to know,

Quote Well woe is me unquote
How different I've become
And no one understands, my dear, no one really cares

Is this how you wanna go down
Right before my eyes, you are the saddest sight, I know
And you're quiet you never make a sound
but here inside my mind you are the loudest one I know

And you were right, right from the start
It took everything you had, but you finally broke my...

And know the old flames will pass away
I saw your light once
Did you see mine
But not all things will pass away
You turned your light off
So I turned mine, away from your saddness, away from the nothing that you feel for me

Is this how you wanna go down
Right before my eyes, you are the saddest sight, I know
You're so quiet and you never make a sound
But here inside my mind you are the loudest one, I know

And you were right, right from the start
it took everything you had, but you finally broke my ...

Quote, hey listen cause ill only say this once
I finally found the words
That mean enough to me
Goodbye my soul, unquote

Reject

2009-11-10T19:52:00.000-08:00

no one tastes like you
and no one wastes me with their words like you do
no one can change my views...
like you.... do..
do you really think i wanted this to fail?
do you really think this crazy world will get better?
do you really think this crazy world..... will get better?
no one tastes like you...
no one wastes me with their words like you do
nothing between us is assumed
and no one can change the fact that i was sold on you...
im the reject that you never accepted...
im the reject that you always neglected...
im the reject that you never accepted, no im left wreck and forever affected..
theres nothing left to do...
theres nothing left to say, no more to lose...
i miss all the things we knew...
theres no.... excuse.
do you really think i wanted this to fail??
do you really think this crazy world will get better?
im the reject that you always neglected...
now im left wrecked and forever affected...

shamed

2009-11-10T17:24:00.000-08:00

"im cold and i am shamed... lying naked on the floor.. illusion never changed, into something real..."

love affair with my old-school nano

2009-11-10T13:09:00.000-08:00

i am having a love affair with my old school iPod nano. its odd because i have a new iTouch which is cooler in terms of features, but for some reason, i am liking this old nano.. i updated last night and have an absolutely incredulous mix of songs on it. i think its a 4 GB player. i went for quality of songs, as opposed to quantity. if i didnt love a song, it got blasted and didnt make the mix. thats how i roll.

in other news. President Obama's speech at Fort Hood this afternoon was impeccable. I love my Commander-In-Chief.

now... to figure out what I am going to do tonight since tomorrow i am off!

hooray for sleeping in.

First Information Briefing

2009-11-10T12:57:00.000-08:00

so my first information briefing as an Army officer is on Adolf Hitler. I picked this topic because I've always been interested in the Third Reich and Nazi Germany throughout WW2. The presentation has to be 5 minutes so there is no way, in all actuality, that I can suffice a legitimate deliverance of information on Hitler in this time. Alas, I have compiled some basics about him and some key points that led up to his power.

Should be interesting.

jenny

2009-11-09T22:13:00.000-08:00

there is no other person that just makes me at peace after a war within my soul like she does. it's true, i am really inseparable from her.

iPod re-sync

2009-11-09T20:18:00.000-08:00

its time to re-sync the iPod.

dead on arrival

2009-11-09T16:42:00.000-08:00

"the bill is dead on arrival at the Senate." - Sen. Lindsey Graham (R)

these are the words of one of the biggest, bull-headed politicians in the united states senate. ironically, one of the biggest self-proclaimed "christians" as well; which makes NO sense when i think about it. how can you call yourself a christian and not be for things that Christ himself would support and probably give his life for? THE WELFARE OF ALL PEOPLE.

this is my biggest quam or misunderstanding with many christians in this nation. they claim to be christ-like or voice their votes around "the cross," yet the people they vote for are NOT congruent with what Christ would support or advocate. Jesus would be for healthcare for all people, regardless of race social status, job status, etc. he would be pro-welfare to help those that cant help themselves. he would be for federal regulation of banks and loan lenders that prey on the ignorance of innocent individuals in dire financial straits. Christ wouldnt hate on homosexuals, as i do often times. he would love them and pray for them and offer them the same love as any heterosexual person. these are things that "christians" dont think about.

its just sad that Senator Graham has already said NO and his constituents are the same way on thsi landmark peace of legislation that could help millions of Americans.

dear agony

2009-11-07T22:15:00.000-08:00

Dear agony, just let go of me... Suffer slowly. Don't bury me, faceless enemy.. Is this the way its got to be, dear agony?

my side of the story

2009-11-07T19:16:00.000-08:00

a cold wind blows, and i am shivering
my body aches, as my heart is breaking
why is life making me hollow?
why is happiness casting me in the shadows? in the shadows?
hold on... don't turn and walk away...
save me.. and i cry these words, but nobody came..
im all alone, running scared, losing my way in the dark.
i tried to get up , stand on a prayer..
but i keep crashing down.....hard.
this is my side of the story...
only my side of the story...
and nobody cares, nobody's there...
no one will hear.. my side of the story..
emptiness, its all around me.
i try to catch my breath...
barely surviving...
i cant go on, and ive come undone, theres nothing left in me...
hold on, dont turn and walk away away...
save me.. and i cry these words, but nobody came..
im all alone, running scared..
losing my way in the dark..
i tried to get up, stand on a prayer, but i keep crashing down...
hard..
this is my side of the story, only my burden to bare..
and nobody cares, nobody's there..
no one will hear...
as i fall down.
im all alone, running scared... losing my way in the dark.
i tried to get up, stand on a prayer.
but i keep crashing down... so hard.
this is my side of story, only my side...
nobody cares, nobody's there...
no one will hear...
my side of the story.

the freshmen

2009-11-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

"when i was young, i knew everything..." -the verve pipe

so i am sitting here listening to my iPod with my skullcandy headphones that suck balls compared to my dre beats that i got out in seattle, and "the freshmen" by the verve pipe comes on.

i don't think a sadder, more painful song could have came over the air as i am lamenting the demise of my relationship with jennifer.

Next.

When Gotham Falls - California.
Metal.

little black backpack

2009-11-07T19:01:00.001-08:00

"don't wanna tango with you, i'd rather tango with him.. i think i'm gonna bash his head in... this shouldn't concern you, except that, just don't expect to get your bloody black backpack back..." -stroke 9

every 5-8 years or so, a song comes along that just never gets old. the 90's gave us so many great alternative rock songs that are so brutally honest. this song by stroke 9 is one of those. i remember my dad hating this song when it came on the radio because he claimed that is advocated violence. that was in the late 1990's. if he only knew of some of the shit being produced today.

nevertheless. stroke 9 is a killer alt rock band from the 90's thats still around cranking out mid-tempo, lifelike jams.